As you read this, you’re probably bathing with friends and opening up Obama-shaped champagne bottles in celebration of the United States finally electing a new president. Or maybe you’re looking at property in Switzerland and doing extensive research on voter fraud.
Nevertheless, with change looming in America’s upcoming years, it seems that we should continue to focus on the future. That is, I have the perfect candidate for the presidential office in the year 2012. If you’ve followed my lack-of-journalistic career closely, no, I am not nominating John Cusack for President. I am, however, suggesting that Voldemort (also known as Lord Voldemort, Voldie, Tom Riddle and he-who-shall-not-be-named) would make a fantastic world leader and president of the United States of America.
Voldemort, or “Voldie” as I prefer to call him, is a powerful leader who effortlessly attracts followers. The weak-willed and faint-of-heart see his evil and murderous ways as a means of gaining some sort of clout in the world, and the easily influenced are manipulated and sometimes killed on the job. Well, we wouldn’t want them anyway!
But those that he doesn’t kill and does influence would make a great cohort of supporters! Not only that, but he simply has to touch his forearm and all of his people are immediately summoned. I mean, think of the military support! Granted, the United States has one of the largest standing armies-but does it currently have magical powers? Can you imagine how the fight on terrorism would change if our army was led by Voldie? A man who is power-hungry and seems to consider himself naturally superior to others could lead our country! Wouldn’t that be a change?
And Voldie can read minds and he speaks Parseltongue! For those ignominious few who have not read Harry Potter, Parseltongue means he can talk to snakes. It also means that you should stop reading this column because it probably means nothing to you. Still, Voldie has the ability to read minds and manipulate the thoughts of others. Consider the ways in which this could be used in the world. Voldie could predict the actions of other world leaders and then rally a group of snakes to do anything he desires. His face, albeit frightening and barely human, could be plastered on red and blue posters all across the nation!
Ultimately, one of the most important things about Voldie that would make him an incredible candidate for the office of the presidency is his unrivaled and extensive magical knowledge (and, not to mention, his willingness to kill/torture/hurt anyone that stands in the way of what he wants). While this might sound like something that could turn the United States into a frightening dictatorship, I think Voldie would only use his magic to harm other countries. And, let’s face it; the United States has no problem with that, right?
Now, you might be thinking that Voldemort died in the last Harry Potter book and that this would certainly put him out of the running for 2012. Well, if Sarah Palin is considering campaigning for the ticket, it seems that anyone can! Fictional villains and sexy governors alike!
Voldemort for President 2012!