On Sept. 22, 2010, Miami University held its annual career fair, an event aimed at aiding Miami University students in landing a job or internship. To me, this seems a bit arbitrary. With the economic climate being what it is, Miami students really need an event aimed at aiding them in their inevitable path toward unemployment.
Instead of career fair, Miami needs to host you-won't-have-a-career fair, a forum designed to help students learn how to survive on nothing but unemployment and the kindness of strangers.
The Where Do You Want To Be Homeless Booth:
This booth gives students information about desirable cities in which to begin their cardboard box existence. Most people tend to flock toward bigger cities because there are more homeless havens — soup kitchens and shelters — as well as a wider variety of overflowing dumpsters.
The downside of making the city your homeless sweet homeless is the high rate of competition — there are lots of unemployed roaming around with grocery carts, steepening the competition. Which brings me to the you-won't-have-a-career fair's next booth …
The Finding Your Homeless Hook Booth:
If you want to earn that spare 32 cents more than your homeless neighbor Jobie, you need to prove that you deserve it. This is where your homeless hook comes in handy. Many jobless choose a musical instrument as their hook. Drums are the most common, trombones the most obnoxious and singing (where your voice is your musical instrument) is the most surefire way to get stabbed. No one wants to hear your voice belting out "Memory" from Cats, so stop it.
The best homeless hook is definitely a dog. For some reason, people's hearts go out to helpless animals more than helpless people, probably because of the films All Dogs Go To Heavenor Homeward Bound. Utilize this. Find a homeless dog and buddy up with it. This can be tricky because with a dog you have to feed two mouths as opposed to just stuffing your own scruffy face.
It takes a really entrepreneurial hobo to make the canine homeless hook work, but you are coming from one of the top rated schools in the nation, so let's make Mother Miami proud. Love and Honor, right?
The Finding Your Homeless Look Booth:
Our next stop at you-won't-have-a-career fair is Finding Your Homeless Look, an important sister booth to Finding Your Homeless Hook (that's why their names rhyme). As someone most likely coming from an upper-middle class suburban family, you probably think all homeless people look the same. Those tinted minivan windows must have blurred your worldview because, as you didn't learn at soccer practice, no two hobos look alike.
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Whether you opt for a windbreaker or a trench coat, you must have some sort of top layer for when the weather turns bad. Tennis shoes or some of those hunting boots rednecks seem to like so much are definitely preferred footwear as they'll protect your homeless toes from glass and gravel. I really can't put enough emphasis on socks. I really don't think I need to explain why socks are so important, and if you do need me to explain, well … you don't deserve socks.
Try to avoid any T-shirts that support a certain team or school, as that could hurt your donations. Say you're wearing a Michigan shirt and a wealthy Ohio State fan comes along, ready to give out a fresh $1 bill. Well, you're certainly not getting that George Washington because of your Wolverine pride.
The Charming Passersby Booth:
As a homeless lowlife, your ultimate goal in life is to scavenge. You must live off of what others don't want. But first you have to trick others into thinking they don't want it so that they give it to you, filling your hat, guitar case or empty Jimmy John's cup with their pointless pennies and lint-covered buttons.
Some homeless individuals are extremely aggressive, asking for some spare change or maybe any leftover food. This is how you get people to avoid you. No. The most successful way to win someone over is by being silent, forlorn and pensive. Gaze nostalgically into the clouds as you pick absent-mindedly at your ripped jeans. Try to make eye contact with women aged 18 to 34 (still naïve and caring), smile (don't show any teeth because yours are rotting) and if they slow down, ask in a raspy voice, "Do you have any spare change?"
Another good technique is to be specific. If you say you just need a little bit change for bus fare or a lemonade from McDonald's, people seem to think you aren't a habitual beggar, that this is a one time only thing for you. This is because people are stupid. But don't overuse this. If you're asking for bus fare on the same corner every day, those stupid people will catch on.
The you-won't-have-a-career fair would have myriad booths, not just these listed. It would be much more helpful than a career fair, and I urge Miami to consider the benefits it would reap for Miami students.
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