I don’t want to do anything. Let me repeat that. I. Don’t. Want. To. Do. Anything.
I don’t want to make new friends. I don’t want to entertain guys flirting with me at the bars. I don’t want to do my stats homework for a minor I don’t have any interest in anymore.
I’m leaving this school in 95 days. Nothing I do will have that lasting of consequences. Sure, if I burn a building down or cheat on a final, that will follow me around for a while, but someone gossiping about me isn’t going to affect me as soon as graduation hits. Because, as it turns out, I really don’t care what a junior I had class with for one semester thinks of me.
Shocking, I know.
On one hand, this apathy is one of the most freeing things I’ve ever felt. It has let me become far less wrapped up in what the boy I maybe, kinda, sort of, liked last semester thinks of me. Maybe I still care, but now when he ignores me it bounces off my shoulders because there’s no reason to get involved with him anyway. I won’t see him again in 95 days.
It has let me blatantly scroll through Reddit on my laptop in class and say no to going out simply because I have no interest in being in the human meat press that is the Brick dance floor.
And while I love this quasi-freedom, I acknowledge that it’s a double edged sword.
The C’s get degrees mentality is real. Part of me is sitting in stats thinking, “Wow, can’t believe Kylie Jenner threw this party for her one year old. Wait what the hell is the empirical rule? Wait, the party had a giant baby gate at it, wow.”
And then the other half of my brain is trapped in a glass cage, screaming to get out because “You’re trying to go to law school, you dumbass! You can’t afford a C!”
The tricky thing is that this apathy triggers my anxiety. The sound of the ticking clock grows louder and louder like me on my third drink.
I need to do well in classes, and when I think “this won’t affect me in the future” it takes away from the whole point of me being here. I should try to form new relationships because life is only as interesting as the people in it. I want to experience this last semester to the fullest because that’s exactly what it is. The last semester.
If any seniors are reading this and feel some variation of this same amazing yet terrible apathy, I say use it to your advantage. Channel it into the positives, the carefree, no bothers given, chill-vibes-only part. Ignore the skeevy guys in bars, the petty people in your life and use the apathy to sideline the stress by remembering this is a moment. In ten years, you won’t remember how sucky a class was and you’re not going to be stressed over an academic assignment.
As absolutely, cheesy, cliche and pasé as it sounds, you’re going to remember the experience. But that experience doesn’t look the same for everyone.
For me, the ideal experience is sitting on my couch, eating dumplings and watching “America’s Next Top Model” as much as possible. A night out here and there, but no one dragging me out every Friday.
My grades would be good, but I wouldn’t stress to a height that I want to curl up under my bed and listen to a Disney playlist. Basically, I’d get a B in stats. Can you tell I’m nervous about that class?
No one decides what someone’s last semester should be except that person. My mom hassling me about grades balances out the laissez faire attitude I’ve developed, but it doesn’t change what I’m going to do for the next 95 days.
I’m not usually the person to work on a running clock because, in general, time is limitless. But just because time goes on doesn’t mean college does. When I was a freshman, my editor, the amazing Britton Perelman, wrote a piece about watching “The Office” finale before graduation and pointed out the line, “I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days before you’ve left them.”
This last semester: make this time the age you’ll miss the most — whatever that means for you.
When you do what you want and toss all of the unnecessary stress, drama, pressure and external expectations into the flaming trash can they belong in, that apathy is no longer apathy. It’s peace.