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The secret life of Miami University

Chau Nguyen

Miami University students are finding that secrets are more fun when you tell everyone.

An experiment by The Miami Student seeking what Miami students were hiding found some students were ready and willing to bear all under the cloak of anonymity.

Fifty-six individuals unsealed their lips, disclosing 73 secrets using an anonymous online forum created by The Student and others shared 25 secrets at the Shriver Center April 24.

Of the 98 secrets received, the majority of secrets dealt with sex, relationships and Miami, while some secrets revealed were about academics or positive experiences.

Some secrets were naughty: "I've had sex with international students from five different countries in the three years I've been at Miami."

Some were nice: "I unknowingly got on the Orange bus in anticipation of its taking me to Ditmer without realizing it was done with its rotation. The driver asked me where I was headed and took me anyway. This is one of the of the nicest gestures I've received in my time here."

Some secrets were little: "I have a boy-boy crush on a Beta."

Some were big: "For the past 20 years, I have not known my mother. That changed last month when I received an email entitled, "my son??" ... I talked to my mother for the first time in my life April 12, her birthday. I will see her for the first time in 20 years May 1."

According to Kip Alishio, psychologist at Student Counseling Services, the largest reason for keeping secrets is shame.

Senior Bill Loupee agreed.

"Things I keep secret are mostly things I'm not proud of doing in my life, things that are better left in my past than to bring up again," Loupee said.

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"I was never able to bring myself to press charges against the guy who sexually assaulted me because I couldn't get over the fact that he was one of my friends and not a stranger."

Other factors are the lack of full awareness and the fear of the consequences that may result for divulging that secret, Alishio said.

"It's a sense that whatever they're keeping will show them in a bad light and that there may be negative consequences for them or someone important to them," Alishio said. "It can also be that we're only semi-aware of some events, situations and experiences and aren't aware that we're keeping it a secret."

A recent survey conducted by Amy Summerville, assistant professor of psychology, found regret helps people make sense of bad experiences and makes them feel socially closer to others.

"It may be the case that spilling a secret someone's told you may be something you feel bad about, but the regret from it can help you re-bond with that person," Summerville said.

Sites such as PostSecret.com and FMyLife.com have the same sense-making function as regret, Summerville said.

"There's something about going back and reframing things that have happened that is important to people," she said. "Those sites allow us to reframe negative things in our lives and give us a healthier way to deal with them."

Psychologically, people find it important to be understood by their social groups, Summerville said.

"Those 'secrets' involve some other truth that no one knows and certainly, a lot of those things violate socially acceptable behavior," she said. "We want to feel like people know and understand us, but there may be penalties for actually telling your friends these things."

"People always tell me I'm such a nice girl. I actually don't think I'm nice at all. I just hide it well."

Alishio said the desire to maintain the status quo that keeps people from divulging secrets.

"That seems to be congruent with a lot of the kinds of things we hear from students in counseling here, with regards to the pressure they feel to put on a nice face in the Miami environment," Alishio said. "They fear that if they show who they really are, they'll be rejected."

Although there is the possibility of negative change once secrets are revealed, Alishio said there's also the possibility of good changes.

"(Telling secrets) is a way of relieving oneself of the binds that the emotions of those events keep us in," he said.

Senior Benjamin Everly agreed and said it can be therapeutic and make people feel better to disclose a secret.

"I can't look you in the eye. You chose someone else."

According to Alan Holding, FMyLife's Web site moderator, the site started in France as a "place to tell each other the crappy things that happened to them that particular day." Launched this January, the English language version attracts 1.7 million hits daily from 1 million unique visitors.

The site's user-participation allows for the creation of a sort of judgment-free community and connects people through stories, Holding said.

"The comments section under each FML story shows that sometimes, people from other countries and cultures can empathize with the original posters," Holding said. "We can definitely say that the same sh*t happens to us all over the world."

Senior Taylor Fenderbosch thinks the popularity of sites such as PostSecret and FMyLife has to do with its anonymity.

"People know that it's never going to come back to them and it gives them a free space to say what they want and not suffer the consequences,"

Fenderbosch said. "There's a complete sense of freedom and that's an exciting thing for people,"

Anonymity also frees people from the fear of being judged because of their actions, Everly said.

"People our age are worried about being judged and talked about based on something we've done," he said. "The anonymity that those kinds of sites provide allow them to disclose something they've done or something funny that's happened to them without the fear of being judged by others."

The anonymity of these sites weaken the social norms regarding what people are willing to say about themselves, Alishio said.

"People would have to face their own inner shame head on or they'd have to risk the consequences they fear would result from their sharing of secrets if it was not anonymous," he said.

The popularity of these sites points to a desire to share experiences and the anonymity enables people to do so without running the risk of being exposed.

"The main ingredient of the stories posted on FMyLife.com is the ability to laugh at your own mishaps and having the guts to share it with the world," Holding said. "On sites like PostSecret for example, the posts are way more serious most of the time, but the fact that people are willing to share with others shows that it's borne from a real need to share."

"James (last name removed) had to see an orthopedic surgeon first semester to have his teeth darkened because he used too many Crest Whitening strips."

Everly said it's the humorous or light-hearted nature of most posts on FMyLife that make the site popular among young adults.

Besides the factor of anonymity, increased self-interest among this generation may also play a role in the popularity of such sites. Studies have shown this generation has an increased narcissism and high self-esteem, Summerville said.

Furthermore, the social norms and methods of communication have changed, making it normal to have a Facebook page with all the details of your life for everyone to see, Summerville said.

When developing the idea for their performance play about sexual assault, members of the Walking Theater Project (WTP) found it difficult to see how people truly thought of sexual assault by using a more structured survey.

"We thought that if they could artistically express themselves and say whatever they wanted in a small format, we could get a little bit of an idea about what was important to people, where their experiences lie and the important things they felt about it," Fenderbosch, WTP's vice president, said.

That's when they started Campus Confidential, a PostSecret -esque project utilizing postcards as an open canvas for discussion about sexual assault. The group used the postcards from WTP members to find direction for "(em)power play," a play about sexual assault.

"Every time I get sad, I walk into Kofenya's bathroom and find a quote on the wall that gives me hope and reminds me why life is wonderful."

Projects such as Campus Confidential and sites such as PostSecret and FMyLife show everyone is struggling with their own private battles, Fenderbosch said.

"That's something that comes through in the postcards we received," she said. "It's all about facades and keeping up a public persona when everyone has something they're struggling with behind the scenes."


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