College is a time for sexual awakening. Each year, new students leave their homes by the dozen and flock to crowded residence halls. Throw that many young adults together and relationships emerge. Without the careful eyes and probing nature of parents, students try new things. No longer is there a limit on how far relationships can advance.
The access to sex seems obvious at college. Miami University is no different. With the blur of groups promoting safe sex, the excess of free condoms at school events and many late night stories floating around, many Miami students realize that sex is no longer hidden behind the curtains of conservative childhood.
Waiting to swipe the v-card
19-year-old John Dexter* said sex can't be ignored at college. The first-year Morris Hall resident laughs as he recognizes sex as one of the most common topics of conversation among his friends just behind hockey. However, as his friends brag about "nailing girls," and how awesome having sex is, Dexter thinks something different. Something entirely different.
"Guys expect me to say something in a conversation," Dexter said. "And when I tell them I have not had sex, there is a long pause and then they want to know more."
Dexter is a virgin. Not only has he not had sexual intercourse, but he is open about the fact. He's not embarrassed. He answers questions with a big smile and calm voice.
While many guys expect to be shunned after revealing their sexual status because of gender expectations, Dexter said he doesn't feel like his virginity is something people will make fun of him for.
"No one ever gives me sh*t about not having sex," Dexter said.
He doesn't cringe away from the question and, in a certain way, is proud of his sexual experience or lack thereof.
Dexter equates virginity to self-respect. He said he looks at his virginity as an accomplishment.
"I am proud that I have not had sex for this long," Dexter said. "It is more than being proud, though. I feel like it takes integrity for a guy to control human urges."
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Behind the decision
Dexter's parents were raised Catholics. However, later in life, they shifted in belief to non-denominational Christianity. He acknowledges the importance of virginity in his religion.
"I am a pretty religious person," Dexter said. "Being a virgin is very important for the person you will marry eventually."
This idea plays a central theme to many other devout Christians like in the lives of his two younger sisters and older brother.
Dexter grew up in Bexley, Ohio. He said he and all his siblings were raised the same way and his parents taught the same lessons about virginity to the kids regardless of their gender. Dexter said he condemns the difference in expectations between guys and girls.
"It seems like girls who have sex with those they don't love are 'skanky', but it is should be the same for guys," Dexter said.
To the extent of his knowledge, his siblings are all virgins, even his 21-year-old brother. Dexter is close to his sisters, and he said he believes through his actions, he sets an example for his younger sisters, especially by choosing not to have sex. He said he imagines what would happen if he were to give into pressure to have sex before marriage. He said his family would be really disappointed, especially his mom.
Senior Bryan Anderson* said his reason behind keeping his virginity isn't religious.
"I just want to wait for someone who is significant," Anderson said.
Anderson said he wants to wait for sex until he's in a serious relationship and hasn't had that yet. He said he doesn't announce his virginity to people but feels comfortable talking about it when asked.
"There's a lot of guys in my frat (that are still virgins)," Anderson said. "There are a lot more guys that are virgins than you think there are."
Opportunity bangs
Dexter, like any other teenage boy, has hormones and is subject to cravings for physical pleasure. Dexter admitted he hooks up with his fair share of girls. He vividly remembers one chance he had to have sex with a girl.
It was at a joint graduation party in high school. Dexter had been involved with the senior girl in his math and PE class since the end of first semester sophomore year. At the party, Dexter said he fondly remembers the girl making out with him on the dance floor. Dexter said she was pretty aggressive. He chuckled when he said he remembered ending up in the bedroom upstairs with the girl. He said after entering the room, they were in bed and their clothes scattered across the floor.
"Then she whispered in my ear that she would do anything I liked," Dexter said.
After a difficult pause, Dexter told her no.
He said he is glad that he didn't.
"I was na've back then," Dexter said.
Anderson said it's really difficult to not give in, almost as difficult to explain to a girl mid hook-up that he's a virgin and won't be having sex.
"In the heat of the moment, it's kind of awkward to tell them," Anderson said. "It makes that moment super awkward."
Each time Dexter has been presented with the opportunity to have sex, he has held to his principles. He feels each time he became more resolute in his position on virginity.
"Each time I felt like I was being tested and it was good to be tested rather than just never have the chance to have sex," Dexter said.
Love
Ultimately, Dexter revealed the motivation behind his actions is love. Dexter said even if he weren't married, he would have sex with someone he loves. This is because he defines marriage not as holding a certificate in their hands or after a brief walk down the aisle but actually the point when two people love and trust each other.
He said he argues sex is the culmination of that love.
"Sex is more than just an act," Dexter said. "It is the most intimate thing a man and a woman can have. It is the pinnacle of a relationship. Sex is the connecting of souls."
Talking to Dexter, one can feel the sincerity in his beliefs.
Dexter said he is excited to have sex someday and at times it can seem very tempting. Dexter said in a past relationship, it got hard sometimes.
"We would have to pump the brakes a couple times," Dexter said.
However, he is in no hurry to find his soul mate.
"Obviously, I want to get married before I am an old fart," Dexter said.
He said that is about the extent of his expectations on when he will find true love.
He doesn't particularly approve of the pressure on students, guys in particular, to have sex.
"A lot of the guys I have heard talking about sex are full of it," Dexter said. "Being a virgin is not a bad thing."
Dexter said he also feels sympathy for those college girls who have to face tough social expectations.
"A lot of girls are just expected to have sex in a relationship even when they don't want to have sex," Dexter said.
Anderson said the pressure to conform to the highly discussed hook-up culture at Miami is impossible to avoid but important to ignore.
"People need to let themselves be individuals and not worry about social pressure," Anderson said.
Additional reporting by Margaret Watters
*Name changed for anonymity
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