Liz Riggs

All I want for Christmas is my very own Spencer Pratt. He’s a douchemonster with pubic hair coming out of his chin and he’s verifiably unemployed! Or, he has a job that allows him to sit at home most hours of the day. Unfortunately for me and thousands of lovely single, insecure girls out there, Spencer is officially a married man.

Yes, yes, as I’m sure everyone has heard by now, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag have officially made the worst possible decision that anyone, anywhere has ever made. Ever. It’s one thing to date somebody for money (isn’t this what they’re doing on The Hills?). It’s another thing to legally bind oneself to that person forever (five years, tops, assuming Spencer’s ego doesn’t self-implode and kill him).  Still, the question we must ask ourselves isn’t whether or not Heidi will get more plastic surgery or Spencer will continue to sit at home and soak up his own chotch-ness. The question is: why would these two incredibly heinous human beings ever tie the knot?

Well, there are a couple of viable reasons for marriage, one of which is certainly plausible for the happy couple. I think Chandler Bing, a wise, real-life friend of mine once discussed the best reasons any couple should get married. The first rationale for marriage is obviously pregnancy. While this has been a scare for Heidi before, it seems she may have lost her uterus during some bizarre complications with her breast augmentation, so we might not need to worry about this one. While this may appear to be a tragic loss to some, it probably wouldn’t hurt BoltHouse Inc. (or the world, for that matter) to not have any more Heidis running around. 

While “being ready” and “actually wanting to get married” fall somewhere on the spectrum, being sorry is another brilliant reason to tie the knot with that special someone. Interestingly enough, Spencer Pratt, a bona-fide screw-up, always has plenty to be sorry about. Whether it’s decorating his own living room with paint he concocted himself during his infinite hours of child’s play, or getting Heidi wasted and causing her to lose her job, he truly knows how to effectively destroy everyone’s life but his own. So, it seems that Spencer and Heidi (or Speidi as I like to call them) must have gotten married because Spencer was sorry about something. 

Still, this is why I want my very own Spencer Pratt for the holiday season. It’s difficult to perpetually screw up my own life; it takes too much effort (most of the time). I feel I could make enormous mistakes and unfortunate life choices much more easily if I had a real, live Spencer at my side. Just think of it: I could go to interviews drunk! I could go to work drunk! I could go everywhere drunk! I could get pregnant! I could lose friends and family and weight! I could lose confidence and gain fame! I could become increasingly less intelligent every passing moment! Most importantly, I could become a part of the most miserable yet seminal relationship of our time. 

So, please, Santa. This is all I’m asking for this year. I don’t need a job when I graduate. I do not need wealth or fame or success (except the wealth or fame part). All I need for Christmas this year is Spencer Pratt.

Please note: I do not watch The Hills.