By Matt Arvizu, arvizumv@miamioh.edu
"Walk straight, you idiot," I told Adam. "No, that's not a bathroom," I told James. These are some of the things I had to tell my friends this past Saturday night when I went to Uptown with them and remained completely sober. I was curious what the college party scene is like in a controlled state of mind, so I decided to forgo all drinks that night - even the free ones. It was an interesting night to say the least - not one I'd like to repeat, though. However, going out sober really put Miami's nightlife into perspective for me. This is an account of the night's events. For the purpose of protecting their identities, my friends have been given false names.
10:25 - We're clad in Sperry's and Polo shirts, so you could guess where we are: frat party. In contrast to the cool night air, inside the house is a sweaty mosh-pit. After pushing through the crowd to the buckets, everybody grabs cans of Natural Light (except me, of course).
10:52 - My friend Adam is feeling the effects of the Natty already. He finds a ski mask on the ground; it's time to perform my caretaking duties. "Don't you dare put that thing on," I tell him. That was the first of many commands he ignored.
11:29 - The beer supply is depleted. The walk to Uptown begins. We get in an argument over which bar we should go to on the way there. Tim, David and Shaun want to go to New Bar, but James and Adam want to go to Brick Street. This is the first dilemma of the night. Which group of people do I follow? Who needs a clear-minded friend more?
11:43 - I quickly find that 11:43 is too early to be arriving at Brick. Adam is so gone at this point he's begun to dance on the floor all by himself. I would tell him how ridiculous he looks, but this is too funny.
12:12 - Brick is still desolate. Adam is still dancing. James has left to go get another drink -leaving me alone in my boredom. I could be spending this time doing something far more productive with my life, I think to myself. Though, truthfully, if I weren't there, I'd probably be in bed continuing "House of Cards" on Netflix.
12:16 - James returns with a beer. I realize then how much he's had to drink - four beers and a mixed drink at the frat party, a Trash Can at Brick and now he's having another beer. I may have to intervene.
12:19 - Adam walks over, drunkenly embraces James and spills the beer. James is irate and demands Adam gives him money for another.
"You should probably think about slowing down at this point," I tell James.
"No man! That was mine and this [expletive] spilled it!" James yells, shoving Adam. I have to get between them, and I have to tell James that he's done for the night. It wasn't easy. The look he gave me was a scary one, but it had to be done.
12:38 - Now, it's a party. Martin has showed up! Of my friends, he's undoubtedly the craziest. He asks me if I want to go "on the hunt" and see if any girls want to dance. I tell Adam not to stray too far and I follow Martin.
12:48 - "I think you're beautiful and I love you," Martin tells a girl. She laughs and they start dancing. What? How did that work?
12:52 - The strobe lights leave me feeling drunk. The eloquent lyrics of Lil' Jon pour out of the speakers and I fully realize my hatred for music that's played at bars. Martin is now with a different girl. I look around at everybody groping one another on the dance floor, many of them probably not knowing the last names of the person they're dancing with. The outright promiscuity in every direction disgusts me. But if I were drunk, I might have been in Martin's shoes. The next hour is the longest of the night. I feel isolated. Everybody around me is enjoying the thumping music and embracing the headache-inducing lights, but I'm alone
1:41 - Martin and I are sitting outside to escape the heat. James comes up and hugs me. "Maaaaattt I love you, man." He said. That's funny. An hour and half ago it seemed like he wanted to kill me. "Where's Adam?" Oh no. I think. Where is Adam? I had one job - keep track of my friends - and I failed. Frantically, I call and text people until I find out he's at Pulley Diner - crisis averted.
2:59 - We've been at Pulley for over an hour now and I just want to go home. Much of the bar crowd is here. The obnoxious actions around me should be entertaining, but I'm annoyed, bored and missing my bed.
3:17 - The walk home had the usual mishaps. Adam nearly tripped over his own feet right in front of an oncoming police officer and James relieved his bladder in a bush - both actions very indicative of insobriety. But nobody got arrested so I suppose the night was a success. I'm finally in bed, but I lay awake weary and puzzled. Much of the night was boring beyond belief; I think I would have rather sat in my geology lecture for five hours. Some of the night was stressful; James got very angry with me and I thought I lost Adam at one point. Some things left me questioning how I feel about college party culture. Why do people consider this socializing? We usually stay with our own little groups of friends and the music is often too loud to hear others speaking. Why do people spend all this money to go out and forget everything that happens? Is this good for us in the long run?
Odds are, if you are a student who enjoys the party scene, I won't be changing your mind about how you want to spend your Saturday and Friday nights - or Tuesday or Thursday nights for that matter. We're young. College is a place where we're supposed to let loose, right? Perhaps. However, College is definitely a place where we're supposed to learn to be responsible. Every once in a while, we should refrain from drinking such copious amounts. It puts things into perspective and it puts you in a position to prevent your friends from showing up in the Police Beat. It's annoying having to nurture your friends as if they were infants, but the role of caretaker is not one that should be overlooked. Next weekend, it may be me stumbling home; I hope my friends will be controlled enough to get me there.