Erich Schrader

Whether it be for a family member, significant other or just a close friend, it’s important to put thought into a Christmas gift. If your gift lacks planning and is purchased haphazardly with little consideration of the ramifications, you could offend the recipient with your sub-par present; unless of course that is your intention. If that’s the case, here is a rundown of a few poorly thought out gifts. For those of you who value your relationship, avoid the things on this list. If you have had enough and want to pull a holiday breakup, start making a list.

Say you want to buy your girlfriend/boyfriend concert tickets. It is very important you are sensitive to the musical preferences of the person in question. Nothing is worse than getting excited about surprising your girlfriend with tickets to a Bob Dylan concert, only to learn that she has been hiding her anti-Semitism from you all along. Happy Hanukkah.

How about tickets to see Kanye? This is a great breakup mechanism. While getting “intimate” with your boyfriend, tell him, “I’m gonna’ let you finish, but your roommate is the best lay I’ve ever had.”

But for those of you who are happy with your relationship and are searching for a good gift that will ensure some guaranteed “gift-giving” near the fireplace later, look no further, for ideas abound. A Charlie Brown Christmas is obviously a classic, as are the soundtracks from other great Christmas movies. Less impressive would be the holiday songs by popular artists like Madonna’s excruciating rendition of “Santa Baby.”

This shocked me: there are actually Web sites that sell replicas of Lady GaGa outfits. Or I suppose you could probably make your own for a fraction of the cost: simply take a large quantity of hallucinogens, cover yourself in some adhesive substance, and knock sh*t over in a toy store. Whatever sticks to your body, boom. That’s your outfit.

If you happen to be a musician, do not write a song for a person as a gift. The only thing the songwriting process shows is that you have no money to purchase a real gift; your lack of musical talent will show that you will never have money in the future for say, I don’t know, the utilities bill.

Do you know somebody who has been naughty this year and not the cool kind of naughty? Coal is outdated, so it’s time to embrace the future and get somebody something that will really show how much you thought they sucked during the last 364 days. As always, a Nickelback CD works, but let’s say you can’t bring yourself commit such a hateful act of malice and ill intention. There are plenty of other musical artists that convey slightly less, albeit still copious and obvious amounts of dislike. Get them Scott Stapp’s solo album, or maybe a blowup doll that looks like Pete Wentz.

None of the aforementioned Christmas gifts will get you a warm hug, a present, or a “Merry Christmas to you, too!” And they certainly won’t get you laid near the Christmas tree. That’s why it’s important to put thought into your gift, thus ensuring a little late night holiday cheer in the form of a good ol’ fashioned stocking stuffing. Merry f***ing Christmas.