This day and age, you can’t really talk about Halloween without talking about the Olsen twins. Right? I mean, I myself am debating between a Mary-Kate Olsen costume and a collection of rags draped over a skeleton-or wait, is that the same thing? Either way, it seems silly to talk about the most frightening and useless holiday without paying homage to two of our generation’s finest: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.
The Olsen twins have progressed from America’s most annoying and overpaid actresses to America’s most overpaid and out-of-work actresses. Now, you all remember the story: They started off as irritating little chipmunks on everybody’s favorite T.G.I.F. show, Full House, and somehow (as infants) managed to catapult their success into a series of detective movies and disgustingly bad sing-alongs.
Having somehow escaped the crude and not-so-elusive hand of Bob Saget, they were able to star in two other wildly unsuccessful shows and an onslaught of terrible films (trust me, if you haven’t seen New York Minute … Well, you would probably rather be forced to chew off your own foot.)
What is so scary, then, about the Olsen twins? Is it the fact that Mary-Kate was obviously involved in Heath Ledger’s untimely death? (Too soon?) Or is it the fact that without Mary-Kate’s continuous self-destruction we might not even know which one Ashley is? Well, ultimately the frightening nature of the Olsen twins is threefold:
1. Their plotlines and character scenarios in every film and TV show are eerily similar. In every show or movie the Olsen twins have been in, they either only have one parent, or their parents are divorced/estranged/etc. Obviously Danny Tanner raised his girls well, but couldn’t Dualstar spring for some new story lines? Do they have to be motherless in everything?
And do they have to meet and fall in love with a set of twins in every contrived movie? Maybe, just once, could one of them experience an unplanned pregnancy? Is that too much to ask? Is this odd single-parent-thing supposed to convey some greater truth about the Olsen twins coming from a “broken home?” Does this explain drug abuse and extreme anorexia? Does this explain lurking in public wearing outfits stolen from homeless people? Hard to say.
2. They’ve transformed from seemingly cute young babes into something that resembles a cat dying from starvation, draped in what appear to be expensive, discolored paper towels. The Olsen twins look like creepy, famished trolls. Some might even compare them to shriveled hobbits. Perhaps this is the only requirement for talentless billionaires.
3. Ultimately, the scariest thing about the Olsen twins is that there are two of them. Two gaunt-looking faces, two pairs of boots made from the fur of Slovenian sheep, two pursed smiles, two chances of overdosing, two ways to transmogrify the entire youth of America using nothing but marketing ploys and Wal-Mart clothing lines.
So, this Halloween, keep the Olsen twins in your thoughts. Join their fan club (something I myself was once a member of), dress yourself in trash bags, or simply enjoy the fact that the world is a little bit darker because of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.