Bill York,

What are you doing right now, if you don’t mind me asking? Sitting in class, the dining hall, the library, something like that? Reading the paper to avoid giving attention to any of your more immediate problems? What are those if you don’t mind my prying? You don’t say … you’re unhappy with your weight? You’re having trouble focusing on schoolwork? You’re stressed out about finding a job? The recession? Wow, you sure have a loaded plate. I wish I had an easy solution to any or all of those issues. But wait! Bam! This just came to me! Let’s murder your inner child!

Don’t give me that look. Let’s think about this like adults. You’ve had an inner child for around 20 years. Maybe it started as a necessity, existing as your “self” while you occupied yourself with gumming Ritz crackers into slime and soiling diapers. Maybe it gave you a quick hand when you were in a creative pinch with a particularly masterful finger painting or freehand Lego spaceship. What do we need creativity or a sense of wonder for nowadays when our only goal should be to become healthy, wealthy adults? Our inner child persists only to foul up our plans. What is its practical use? Whenever we can’t concentrate on a given task, feel poor or bloated, you can bet it has something to do with our inner child mulling over some sort of superfluous creative enterprise. Since we have matured physically, hasn’t our creative counterweight grown obsolete? Yes. Yes it has. And it must die.

Still not with me? Imagine being able to read through an entire chapter of your finance book without getting distracted. Imagine the money you’d save by not having to feed the child inside you. Lastly, imagine how easy the transition into adulthood will be now that you don’t have a choice! You’ll snag a job in no time. You’ll probably be married with kids by the end of the month.

Alright, now that you are on board, we can get to the meat of the issue: killing your inner child. They only surface for brief moments in times of extreme joy, fascination and other childish expressions that have become mostly derelict in our adult lives. The key, I believe, is in luring it out with tempting stimuli before smashing it into a disembodied pulp. There are a myriad of options, each as equally effective as the last. Be warned, though, should you try to kill it and fail, it may retaliate. I’ve heard horror stories about students being hijacked by their vindictive inner children .

Because of the inherent danger, quick assassination isn’t right for all of us. Many of us need to take it slowly, poisoning our inner child over a number of years. This solution is much simpler and can actually be supported by the government if you play your hand right. It’s a new system that forces you to limit your academic curiosity to one subject, thus starving your inner child. If there’s one thing inner children hate, it’s specialization, and this program has plenty of it. All it takes is four years of laborious commitment to this specialization station to shed your creative anchor and be ready for adulthood. Brilliant, right? What kind of billionaire celebrity socialite do you have to be to join this system, you ask? You of all people shouldn’t worry: you’re in it.