Brett Schneider

The following is a list of resolutions various people at Miami University should consider making for this year:

Marijo Nootz (Senior director of the Shriver Center): Resolve to put a bar or pub in Shriver Center. Shriver already has a liquor license because of the conference and catering services, so adding a bar is a real possibility. Students would likely use their meal plans to purchase drinks and because our Miami I.D. cards display date of birth, underage drinking will not be a major issue. The majority of business would not be binge drinkers since the university would be bartending and when parents visit, Shriver would be a fine alternative to taking them uptown.

David Hodge (President): Resolve to crack down on Adderall use. If you’ve ever sat at a table in King Library with Adderall users, you understand how Ken Griffey Jr. felt during the steroid era. Hodge should announce this activity will no longer be tolerated, elaborate on why this is a necessary university policy and then work with MUPD and others to halt Adderall (ab)use.

Austin Fast (Editor of The Miami Student): Resolve to find a stronger editorial cartoonist. I realize the cartoons are typically better than anything I’ve contributed to these pages, but the truth is the paper needs a more conventional cartoonist. A lot of students check the cartoon because it’s a picture that requires little reading. It therefore should be the most poignant thought of the paper each edition because after the police beat, it is the most widely consumed.

James Shiveley (Teacher education department chair): Resolve to make your department’s classes more demanding. Looking through grade distributions from one year ago, the department has classes at the four hundred level routinely recording average GPAs above 3.95. Earning a C+ average in majors like economics and engineering translates favorably to earning an A average in the teacher education department, based on my unofficial research.

Brad Bates (Athletic director): Resolve to make lacrosse a varsity sport. Too often we, the fans, forget that graduating athletes is more important than winning. The other value of athletics is it provides an activity for students and builds social capital. Truly, athletics is a money sink, and we forgive it so long as we have success or at least fun at games. Lacrosse has thrived at other preppy, academic schools. It fits us. Unlike soccer, another school in the state doesn’t already have the market cornered (Akron). And how easily would sieve cheers translate from hockey to lacrosse?

Cathy McVey (IT Services): Resolve to improve the speed of the Internet at King and in residence halls. Unlike the aforementioned resolutions, this already seems to be a goal, assuming I’m reading the IT Strategic Plan Renewal Report correctly. But IT Services should focus on the slow down in Internet speed when laptops, iPods, phones and game systems are all competing to use the Internet. It takes a half hour to load a three-minute video some evenings.

Roger Jenkins (Dean of the Farmer School of Business): Resolve to allow students to have drinks in the basement of the FSB. I realize we’re talking about hallowed ground, but is it really necessary to banish everything but water in your cathedral? Having undercover students threatening code 2 citations for noncompliance is ridiculous.