Bill Grey, For The Miami Student

Food at Miami University falls along two paths: use the most expensive and healthy ingredients and mark up the resulting product accordingly, or pile delicious, unhealthy things on top of each other and sell it for as cheap as possible.

Maid-Rite Sandwich Shoppe has humorously failed at following these guidelines, as well as numerous other business models.

I may be going out on a limb, but I think I speak for the student body when I say “loose meat” is not an attractive product. Next, a Kraft single isn’t going to salvage this impending disaster. Lastly, yellow mustard? Not mustard-yellow mustard, yellow mustard. It seems probable the worst sandwich at Miami would be topped with the single worst condiment ever created, so yes, yellow mustard.

The few Maid-Rite supporters out there would now insert, “but it’s so cheap!” Using the same math that told the owner six on-site employees was a sound financial decision we arrive at $1.70 per sandwich. The fact that I can get two patties of meat molded into recognizable shapes and still have two quarters and (hopefully) four nickels left to throw at your financially irresponsible a** is proof that it is not cheap.

The impeccable staff of six warm bodies would have to sell 27 sandwiches every hour just to break even with their salaries. Take a hint from across the street at La Bodega where they are putting turkey on French bread, calling it upscale and selling them for $8 apiece. 

Another new business, BTO Yogurt, has it right with their plan. Supply delicious yogurt and toppings and then surprise the customer with the price of their gluttony at the register. It’s going to be paid for with credit anyway, so who cares about its cost now, right? 

At the end of the day, forget it and go to Subway. Wait, their foot-longs aren’t $5 anymore? Screw it, free Campus Crusade pizza is good enough for me. Nothing like a little mozzarella body and marinara blood. Amen.