Aries: Your stubborn nature could begin to cause problems for you in the near future due to the feisty alignment of Jupiter and the moon. Try to calm down and listen to others. Actually, if you want to have any friends left, just don't say anything for the next few days.
Taurus: Thanks to Uranus, connections with your roommate have never been better. Try surprising them with a midnight rave in your room, a classy night up at Brick Street Bar (just kidding, a classy night at Brick Street is an oxymoron) or bake them a cake filled with rainbows and smiles that everyone can eat and be happy.
Gemini: With Mars in the House of Vita, your natural instincts will be sharper than Edward Cullen's teeth. Use this to your advantage — make a bet on the next Miami game, totally go hit on that babe and don't even think about studying for that next multiple-choice test. And, furthermore, if you're feeling like you can cross the street faster than that bus can drive 10 feet, go for it. Just do it. Don't think. Do it. Now.
Cancer: This summer may have been great for you, but don't get too cocky. The transition from summer to autumn will be as smooth as uptown's sidewalks. Luckily, the fall funk only lasts long enough for you to flunk a few tests. Try shaking it by drinking excessively — because, as history has proven over and over again, inundating alcoholism solves everything. Just ask Ernest Hemingway.
Leo: This month should be very good for you romantically, despite the dreaded freshman 15, or "water weight." Everyone will be dying to snuggle with the human teddy bear — more cushion for the pushin', right? Except not really … you're just fat. Be sure to shed the extra poundage before winter or you'll be hibernating alone.
Virgo: It's your birthday month, so celebrate with a night that would make Britney, Lindsey and Ke$ha jealous. Due to the movement of the adventurous Andromeda constellation, you'll want to do something new and unexpected. In other words, it's time to contract some serious sexually transmitted diseases, wake up in a dumpster (or a frat house, which is way worse) and lose your left shoe and your dignity as you walk home.
Libra: The relationship between Mercury and Venus bodes poorly for your personal relationships. Time to change your Facebook relationship status to "single, depressed, eating ice cream, watching Pretty Woman." As Green Day so sagaciously stated, it might be a good idea to wake up when September ends. Your professors might not approve, but at least you'll get your beauty sleep. That way, once October rolls around you might be attractive enough to keep a relationship going.
Scorpio: Getting decent grades will come naturally to you this month, like sleeping in and loving the Jersey Shore. Be cautious about relying on luck and not doing anything, however, because clever Venus will soon turn against you at the end of the month. And no, I don't mean she'll send you a monthly gift (as in your period for the male readers that didn't catch on). What I mean is that come Sept. 30, your car will be towed.
Sagittarius: Your family relationships might have been strained in the last few days of summer, but take heart: as Jupiter moves into the House of Genitor, you and your family will reconcile. This is especially true if your family is alien, like E.T., because they love Jupiter. Use this to your advantage. Bake Dad a Jupiter soufflé as a way to apologize for driving his truck through the garage, or paint mom a Jupiter watercolor in lieu of paying her back for that $300 bail money.
Capricorn: Pluto works its no-longer-a-planet power this month, making you a social butterfly. Try exploring this brand spanking new audacity by trying out for an unusual team, club or cult. You'll either meet some really great friends or some really sketchy creepers. Either way, this new, adventurous you will wind up regretting every life decision you make this month, apart from buying footie pajamas. That onesie is freaking amazing.
Aquarius: True to your aquatic nature as the Zodiac's water-bearer, you've been drowning in homework, clubs and parties. Try to think before jumping into the deep end. Sometimes it takes careful planning and a bigger boat to get through the jaws of college. Unlike Ariel, you should think about your actions before selling your voice to the evil sea witch, because that crap will come back to haunt you.
Enjoy what you're reading?
Signup for our newsletter
Pisces: Due to the slow-moving Neptune, this month has been fraught with the dreaded procrastination disease. Get your immunization shot by practicing good study habits and eating lots of citrus fruit. Actually sleeping once in a while is an option, albeit a boring one. Or, you could take the not-lame approach and actually go out, get some action, go to class hung over and do it all again the next night. Boom: I just gave you the secret to college success.
Read More
How one professor and her classes are preserving Oxford’s Black history
By Sean Scott | March 20, 2024Jazma Sutton, an assistant professor of history, teaches The Black Midwest (HST 350Q) and Black Women in America (HST 450D) classes. In both courses, she has students working with the Smith Library of Regional History and Miami’s archives to document and preserve Black history in Oxford.
Miami faculty members recount Freedom Summer in new documentary
By Luke Macy | February 25, 2022After seven years of work, “Training for Freedom,” a documentary highlighting Oxford’s involvement in the Freedom Summer of 1964, premiered on PBS Western Reserve on Valentine’s Day.
“Documenting the COVID-19 Pandemic”: History in the making
By Alice Momany | August 29, 2021In March 2020, Miami University’s archives launched “Documenting the COVID-19 Pandemic,” a collection focused on life during the COVID-19 pandemic.