A debate between Student Body President Mike Scott and I has been raging for the last couple of weeks in the ASG office, a debate over an issue which cuts to the core of our respective moral fibers and our value as human beings. This issue cuts across party lines, an issue of pure right-and-wrong, black-and-white, dog-and-cat, with no room for equivocation, ambiguity or shades of gray in the middle. The news media, in keeping with its typical modus operandi, has not reported on this issue, leaving unexamined one of the fundamental questions of American life. That question, my friends, is the question of whether it is appropriate to play holiday music before Thanksgiving.
I know, I know, you’re saying to yourself, “This is a no-brainer! Any fool could see that it is appropriate to play holiday music whenever the spirit of love and goodwill is in your heart, and this is especially true after Halloween.” Dear reader, I would naturally agree. In fact, I have tried to put this into practice while working in the ASG office, only to be persecuted by Scott for my beliefs. Even when it was snowing earlier this week and the song “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!” came up, completely randomly, on my Pandora account, Scott, in his typically vile and cruel fashion, demanded that I shut it off. He is so trigger-happy about silencing holiday music and squashing good cheer that when he hears Frank Sinatra he automatically assumes that it is what he likes to call “the devil’s music.” He is a tyrant.
Let me tell you something about Mike. I used to think that he was a nice guy, full of enthusiasm for Miami and RedHawk spirit, etc. Now, I have seen the real Scott: his heart’s a dead tomato splotched with moldy purple spots; he’s a sauerkraut-and-toadstool sandwich … with arsenic sauce. These are certifiable, scientific facts which cannot be disputed; in fact, you would be dismissed as a fool if you tried. In a poll of ASG officers and senators, Mike was voted “Most Likely to Get a Lump of Coal in His Stocking” by an overwhelming margin. And everyone knows that one cannot argue with polls, in accordance with the principle of argumentum ad populum.
Mike and his insidious beliefs have even infiltrated my own home, as my housemate Kurt “The Puppy-Hater” Grimes also infringes upon my personal liberty to celebrate the holidays as I choose. I am like a prisoner in my own home, as any display of holiday cheer, however subtle, is greeted by a swift and hate-filled rebuke. Kurt even glares at stoplights, resenting them for their festive red and green coloring, and when he sees the holiday display at Wal-Mart, he flies into an uncontrolled rage. This is not an exaggeration; I have seen him curse at little children as they stared in doe-eyed wonderment at the plastic trees festooned with twinkling lights and shiny ornaments. It made my heart hurt to see such a sight.
I would not be surprised if Mike and Kurt are actively conspiring against me, trying to smash my spirit and sap my soul of the charity and goodwill that manifests itself through holiday cheer. I would not put anything past either one of them. In fact, I have been listening to “Coast-to-Coast AM” late at night, and I am starting to think that Mike and Kurt could be affiliated with the black helicopters and Illuminati that run the world’s shadow government. That is the only reasonable explanation for a point-of-view such as theirs which is so un-American and so anti-human, that it is not an overstatement to call it the quintessence of evil. And believe me, if you ask either one of them about their Illuminati-shadow government connections, they will just look at you like they don’t know what you are talking about and deny everything. You can take that puzzled denial as proof that they are up to no good.