Karli Kloss, For The Miami Student

Walking down High Street in the sweltering heat, a mirage shimmers in the distance. Coming closer and closer, the shape gets taller, wider, scarier with every step. Taking a deep breath, I walk between the Greek columns into the opulent Hogwarts-esque entrance hall, down the marble stairs, past the gold inlay wall decorations and into a state-of-the art classroom: new rolly-chairs, an outlets to students ratio of six to one and double projector screens.

I nervously sit in the back of the room, wondering how everyone else can keep so calm in this environment. Does no one else see the lies hiding behind the fancy curtain? This has to be one of the greatest investments in falsehood in Miami University history. I am clearly the only person who sees that the Farmer School of Business (FSB) is just another cog in the complex machine that is giving legitimacy to this completely made up concept of economics.

Does thinking I’m the only sane person in the room make me crazy?

Probably, but hear me out first.

There are tons of economics classes taught at FSB daily, and no other students seem to find this strange. They haven’t caught on yet to the fact that economics isn’t real. As I look around the room, I am appalled not only by the kid picking his nose next to me, but at the sight of all my peers diligently taking notes. My professor drones on about nominal GDP, real interest rates, the common price index … He draws graphs and PPF’s and makes charts.

Not one sentence makes sense to me, therefore I have come to the logical conclusion: economics is the result of a huge conspiracy. But how is this possible? Economics is older than all of us. Exactly. That means these guys are good.

The history of the “science” goes back as far as the Greeks. It has been expounded upon by such great minds as Aristotle, Thomas Mun, John Locke, John Stuart Mill and others. See how creative historians got? They plagiarized the works of these brilliant opium addicts and falsely accused them of supporting this disgusting school of thought.

But where do I lay the most blame? That despicable, deplorable, dehumanized drunk, John Maynard Keynes. He isn’t the father of modern economics … he’s the father of the biggest waste of time a college student will endure this side of a liberal education.

To all of you who’ve taken an economics course, think about it a little. Does what your professors tell you make sense? Inflation? Bull. If I have $20 in my pocket, it’s $20. It’s worth a case of Natty and two cases of Four Loko.

And don’t you try to tell me otherwise, you sneaky bastards. Just because someone with a doctorate in this “subject” draws a graph with some curvy lines and says it explains the reasoning behind wage inequality doesn’t mean I have to buy it anymore.

I suffered through an entire semester of microeconomics, but as an older, wiser junior, macroeconomics will not be able to pull the wool over my eyes any longer. Miami went to rather extreme measures by building a $67 gazillion building to further this cause, but they are hardly alone.

The government is clearly the biggest supporter of this conspiracy. The recession a result of natural fluctuations in the market? Nope. Someone got drunk at the Federal Reserve Building and accidentally hit the delete button on some major accounts. Why else would the government go so far to protect the private sector, unless they were in some way responsible?

So I make my call to my fellow Miamians: stop drinking the Keynesian Kool-Aid. Economics isn’t real and you don’t have to care about it anymore. You are free, my friends.