Currently Miami University is going through a major budget crisis. Apparently we will be facing an economic shortfall of a hundred gazillion dollars, or so that's the way the Strategic Priorities Task Force (SPT) wants to make it seem. Full disclosure: I have never once been to an SPT meeting, I haven't researched any of the potential costs of my plan to save Miami that hundred gazillion dollars and I honestly have only skimmed The Miami Student's articles on SPT. But I do know this: my plan is fool proof. A simple question posed to almost every American in the workplace in today's age is how to do the most efficient work in the quickest time. I have a simple and eloquent solution to not only prepare Miami students for the future workplace, but to save our fair institution big time dollars. This solution lies in how the workplace (in this case, our school) and work setting (classrooms, dorm rooms, et cetera) is run. In today's economic instability many employers, especially those of small businesses, are looking to cut costs but remain profitable, which seems to be a major problem here at Miami. Many students feel stressed and overworked due to the constant evolving need to find money to pay for ever-increasing school fees in a devolutionary economic environment of fewer student jobs available. Now, where can we find a place to be innovative? Well, what is something that regardless of who you are, what classes you take, where you live and what you do, you will utilize. The answer is simple, the toilet.
According to the SPT, Miami will be forced to cut classes (and perhaps majors) if we do not find a way to close the deficit. I have that answer. We must replace every desk in every classroom with a toilet. Think about the money we can save. First, we're cutting down on our overall utility cost because if a toilet is constantly flushing everyone in said classroom will be pretty upset at the distracting ambient noise and will soon find a way to fix it. Second, we're cutting down on staff costs. Do you think one of our fine maintenance services will need to spend a majority of their working hours cleaning up disgusting residence hall restrooms? No, because said restrooms will now be defunct and may be turned into living quarters (similar to how the university is creating beds at the Miami Inn). Imagine the research opportunities we can have. The now defunct paper sciences engineering program could have created the next recyclable two-ply had we adopted this program earlier, which could have brought a thousand gazillion dollars to the campus.
Just think about the overall college experience. It is defined by the everlasting bonds we all create with each other. Sure, these bonds might previously have been seeing your freshman roommate play guitar naked while you try to have a conversation with your mother over Skype. But think of the opportunities now. Think of the bond you will have with Patrick in your calculus 151 class when you see him "upperdecking" his new desk.
Some people have suggested cutting down on athletics. Some have suggested cutting classes or majors. Even some have suggested we scrap the Armstrong Student Center. I think we all know where the true moneysaving prowess lies. I pray that the Browns go to the Super Bowl this year, literally and figuratively, for the sake of Miami and the sake of our educational reputation.
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