ODNR representative warns of freshman herds migrating Uptown

Joey Hart, Asst. Opinion Editor Sean Ables, representative from the Ohio Department of Natural Resources, stated in a press release Wednesday that Oxford locals and Miami students alike should watch for migrating herds of freshmen travelling Uptown. Ables said that now is prime season for freshmen, who are also known by the Latin name “Firstus Yearus.” He explained that generally, this species can be seen in large flocks of 10 to 12 individuals, all of the same sex. These separate groups then comingle, in Uptown establishments where the courting ritual begins. Ables noted that with mating season right around...

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New swipe-for-food meal plan cause for commotion

By Joey Hart, Asst. Opinion Editor The ID swiping mechanism at Garden Dining Hall was rendered out of commission last Thursday when an unidentified child ran up to the front table and shouted “Swiper, no swiping.” Sophomore Zachary Jameson, who witnessed the scene, described the moment as “shocking.” “One minute everybody is swiping their ID cards to get into the buffet and everything is normal,” Jameson said. “Then, for some reason, when that girl yelled at us to stop swiping, we couldn’t. It was weird.” This year’s new meal plan, which is based upon a set number of swipes...

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Satire: Real Great Tips

By Joey Hart, Assistant Opinion Editor Here at The Miami Student, it’s an important job of ours to make sure that the entirety of the student populace is well informed of its environment, including first-years. Keeping this duty in mind, we submit to you, freshmen, the following 12 tips to help make your first year a swooping success: – Want to immediately make a name for yourself on campus? Skip out on all the opening week activities to make sure everyone knows you’re a badass. – Diversity is one of the most important aspects of any college campus. Show...

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Arrival of Starbucks on campus correlates with pH increase

By Joey Hart, Assistant Opinion Editor Butler County Water and Sewer Department released a report Friday that showed the recent opening of Starbucks on campus directly correlates with an increase in pH levels of the ground water in Oxford. BCWS Director Steven Thornton said, although the situation is under control, the speed with which alkaline substances began to permeate the water table following the coffee chain’s presence at Miami was alarming. In the span of two weeks, the average pH level for local water jumped from 8 to 12, he said. “We knew that the establishment of such...

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