Established 1826 — Oldest College Newspaper West of the Alleghenies
HUMOR

The Cook Field Stadium: An Undeniably Perfect Choice

Students across campus were bamboozled by the university’s proposal to tear down Millett Hall and build a new arena on Cook Field. It seems like an obviously poor decision to tear down a perfectly functional building and eliminate such a beloved green space. There are, however, many incredible benefits to this proposal, but most students have been brainwashed and can’t see what’s good for them. Let me explain why this is the greatest idea ever.

Solves Miami’s parking issue

First, this new arena will fix one of Miami’s biggest problems: too much parking. Millett has large parking lots right around the building, which is too convenient. Now, those attending events at the arena will have to park all over Miami’s campus, eliminating the terrible surplus of parking space Miami has suffered from for years. Plus, Miami will rake in billions from parking permits and tickets, meaning the arena is basically free. 

Promotes walking

By building the arena on Cook Field, Miami is promoting healthy lifestyles. Basketball fans will have to walk half a mile from their cars to the arena. Students who currently take the convenient shortcut across Cook Field will now walk around its perimeter. These changes are estimated to increase the average step count of Miami students by 2,000 steps per day. 

Drives the economy

The arena will also draw increased traffic around Cook Field. The Patterson-Spring intersection, just south of the field, is known for being too efficient for vehicles and pedestrians alike. I know personally, I really appreciate waiting 15 minutes to drive half a mile. 

With the increased vehicular and pedestrian traffic around the area, this intersection will be even more congested, alleviating worries that it wasn’t hard enough to navigate in the first place. This will boost the Oxford economy, as the extra half a tank of gas you go through across campus will draw sales to our local gas stations

Increases construction scenery

The biggest contribution that this new arena will have to Miami’s campus is construction. In a survey conducted during the fall semester, 105% of the student body said there simply isn’t enough construction on campus. 

Our campus isn’t known for being picturesque because of the brick buildings, but rather because of the large red fences and constant jackhammer noise. We came to Miami to see it torn down and built anew. Its current old-timey red brick aesthetic is boring and serves as a major drawback when new students are considering coming to school here. 

So, to the geniuses who decided to tear down Millett and build a new arena on Cook Field, thank you. There are no downsides to this decision, and you are truly doing Miami a favor. In fact, I am personally willing to operate the bulldozer to tear down that eyesore on North Quad ASAP.

Enjoy what you're reading?
Signup for our newsletter

sullivei@miamioh.edu  



Read More

Trending