Established 1826 — Oldest College Newspaper West of the Alleghenies
HUMOR

Saying goodbye to a loyal leader

As some of you may have figured out by the recent decline in humor article quality, our brave, intelligent and humble leader, Teddy Johnson, has forcefully been removed from his post by Father Time. 

While I still cry myself to sleep every night in an attempt to accept reality, the unfortunate truth is I know I have to be a man and take the reins. However, I wanted to start my tenure by doing a proper send-off for my predecessor. In order to do so, I wanted to quickly share three of my favorite Teddy stories for your reading pleasure.

Dumping chocolate sauce all over my nice jacket

Towards the end of last semester, I had the pleasure of visiting my hero’s former boss’s place of residence to partake in an evening of leisure. During this evening, we partook in sharing mint flavored beverages, with which chocolate syrup was mixed in. 

Teddy, believing I was incapable of handling the chocolate sauce, decided to pour the sauce directly into my gullet. Unfortunately for me, his aim was a bit off, resulting in me getting doused in brown liquid. 

Luckily for me, I was wearing my bougie coat, so my $20 flannel was spared the disaster of being stained. However, Teddy, in his infinite wisdom, washed my jacket (with his special down-specific detergent no less) and further crisis was avoided. Fortunately for me, the sauce landed on the front of my jeans, so I didn’t look like I had soiled myself when I approached some baddies at the bar later. Thanks to Teddy’s quick thinking, a crisis was averted.

Leadership during the humor editor transition

Following my appointment as humor editor, Teddy took all of the steps to make sure I was ready to go on day one. He signed me up for one of the four pieces of software the student uses (how thoughtful), showed me where the newsroom was (I hadn’t been in almost two years) and even introduced me to all of the editors I would need to know (Livi Patel). 

And, like the great mentor he is, he even stayed for about half an hour after I arrived for my first print, before dashing to work on a class video project two hours before it was due. It was refreshing to see that the bar was set incredibly high for my tenure. 

Saving 55 orphans from a burning building

Most people don’t know this about Teddy (because of his humility), but he is a 6-foot-4, 215-pound man of steel who single-handedly saved 55 orphans from a burning building last summer. 

Take note, ladies. 

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Not only is that beautiful face you see on the graphic a complete stunner, he’s also incredibly selfless and willing to risk his life for the benefit of others. Luckily, Teddy escaped with the last child (a little boy named Bruce Wayne) right as a steel beam fell to the ground, triggering the building’s collapse. Like the gentleman he is, Teddy returned to his simple life as TMS’s humor editor. What a hero.

I know all of us at TMS will miss Teddy’s great work ethic, punctuality and dedication to the organization (no sarcasm whatsoever). So, cheers to Teddy, and happy retirement old man. 

oviattcc@miamioh.edu



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