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How to get out of jury duty

Most people go to Florida for spring break – I got called to jury duty. While I was sitting there, filling out a long form with a lot of information I’m pretty sure they could’ve looked up, I was busy thinking about all the ways I could have convinced the government I’m too much of a risk to put on a jury. I’ve compiled a helpful little guide so you can avoid that unfortunate fate.

The Sovereign Citizen

Of course, the No. 1 way to get out of jury duty is to simply give an opinion that will immediately bar you from serving on a jury. One such statement is: “I’m a sovereign citizen; I follow my own rule of law!” Although you may get a lecture and some weird looks, make sure to stick by your story and you’ll be dismissed super quickly.

For full plausibility, I also suggest wearing an anarchist symbol on your clothes, or, if you really want to commit, get a tattoo! 

The U-Haul

Another important facet of jury duty is that you can only serve in the county where you live. Luckily for you, this presents the perfect loophole. If you get called for jury duty, just go rent a U-Haul truck and hit the road! After that, make sure to call the number on your summons to let officials know you no longer reside in the county.

Unfortunately, this will require you to move houses every couple of years, but think of all the great travel stories you’ll be able to tell!

The Philosopher

Ever seen the Studio C skit where some guys try to rob a bank vault, only to be stopped by a security guard who makes them question their beliefs? This is basically a real-life application. 

You can employ this tactic by simply asking the most obnoxiously pretentious questions you can think of during your questioning. These should be things like: ‘Well who are we to create laws and force people to obey,’ and ‘you know, to serve on a jury implies a sort of surrender wherein we lower ourselves beneath the court.’

Make sure all your responses last approximately five minutes and contain vocabulary that sounds like it’s been plucked straight from the Edwardian era. Everybody will be so annoyed, you’ll surely be dismissed (nobody likes a nerd).

The Speeding Tickets

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You can be dismissed from jury duty if you have had run-ins with the law before. Although you can still be called to serve, even if you’ve had lawsuits brought against you before, I find it difficult to believe you would be allowed on a jury if you were a part of an active case.

I suggest consistently racking up speeding tickets as the perfect alternative. As long as you have a couple of speeding charges against you at all times, you’ll probably never have to actually sit for a case! A fair bit of warning, this option can get pretty pricey, but on the plus side, at least you can shave some time off your daily commute.

The Fake ID

This is exactly what it sounds like: get a fake ID. The twist is, get one that says you’re 17. Obviously you can’t serve on a jury if you aren’t a legal adult!

I know what you’re thinking: It seems like a pretty bad idea to use a fake ID in a government building, but that’s the beauty of this plan. If you do get caught, you probably will be in deep trouble with the law, which means you definitely won’t have to sit through someone else’s trial (though, you may end up with one of your own).

mahones5@miamioh.edu 




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