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HUMOR

A super serious advice column

It may come as a shock to some people, but I frequently receive questions from complete and total strangers. Admittedly, they’re usually scammers asking me to Cash App them. But hey, a question is a question, and since I hope to be hot enough to not have to be a sugar daddy, getting practice at saying no to people asking for money is probably a good thing. 

At any rate, over the weekend, I was asked some very serious questions from TMS readers that didn’t involve Arabian princes and sending money electronically, and I wanted to share the responses I gave, as I believe they are widely beneficial. 

Which shapes and colors have Farmer School of Business majors learned at this point in the year? 

Well, this one is a tough question, because it depends on whether correct spelling is required or not. As we all know, the final assessment for BUS 101 is a matching and fill-in-the-blank test that includes some of the toughest shapes, like the dodecahedron. 

Don’t even get those students at our top 20 business school started on colors such as aquamarine and magenta. But by this point, first-year FSB students should be able to go as high as the nonagon and recognize maroon and fuchsia.

How should I go about talking to women?   

Don’t.

But, Michael, our gorgeous king, we need your help!

Fine, but I’d like to state that talking to women in a flirtatious manner is a terrible idea. Women are terrifying, and there’s basically a 100% chance of rejection (especially if you aren’t as beautiful as the writers in our humor section). It’s better not to have a shooting percentage at all than to have a 0 shooting percentage. So take it from me: scrap the idea, it ain’t worth it.

Did you skip leg day again?

No comment. (Guys, I told you not to include this question in print!)

How does this affect LeBron’s legacy?

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Great question. For starters, you need to ask yourself, is it Taco Tuesday? If so, then it almost certainly does. That being said, if it is not Taco Tuesday, there’s a chance there is no impact. Assuming it is Taco Tuesday, this clearly brings up serious questions about LeBron’s G.O.A.T. status, and we need to ask ourselves if LeBron is a real G who moves in silence like lasagna. 

patteemj@miamioh.edu 

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