’Tis the season of Shamrock Shakes, the Irish and ginger appreciation, and of course leprechauns. Now, you might think that leprechauns aren’t real, but I’d like to direct your attention to exhibit a – a lucky charms box. So yeah, checkmate.
If your favorite childhood sugary, solidified wheat packaging isn’t indisputable evidence, then I think there’s a nice warm place in the afterlife for you, along with that “moon landing is fake” guy who stands outside Armstrong Student Center.
So now that we’ve established the existence of leprechauns, you should know that they have pot. Lots and lots of pot. Pots of gold, if that wasn’t obvious. Not those nasty gold-foiled chocolate coins your second-grade teacher stored in the back cupboard.
No, these are gen-u-ine pieces of precious metal. So, if you have the good fortune to find one of these pots, here’s what I recommend doing with it.
Develop a superiority complex
Let’s face it, finding this gold basically makes you the most amazing, intelligent, qualified and skilled person in the world. So, the first thing you need to do is develop a superiority complex.
Step 1. Start a podcast. Call it something like “Golden Insights.”
Step 2. Rent out Brick Street. There’s no better way to establish dominance than to rent out the entirety of Will Weisman’s fine establishment. People want to come in? Fine, only if they bow to you before entering.
Step 3. Buy a brand new, customized pickup truck, sports car, Jeep or motorcycle, but make sure you remove the muffler, blast music and yell out random people out the window. Then all you have to do is drive it down High Street. Doing this will ensure that people know you’re definitely *not* compensating for anything at all.
Go to Vegas
Think about it, you’ve just hit it big. You’ve won the lottery! It feels like you hit a 16-leg parley. So what should you do? Capitalize on your luck before it goes away! Go to Las Vegas and put everything on red. I mean one pot o’ gold is pretty great, but imagine what you could do with two!
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But if you prefer to stay in Oxvegas (which is very understandable), then you can accomplish the same thing by going to the poker ring Uptown and taking some nerd’s lunch money by calling their bluff. Just make sure to avoid Skipper’s if you have the gold on you, because they might accuse you of stealing their booty, as pirates do.
Buy your 5-foot-6-inch male friend some shoe inserts
This serves as a form of philanthropy. Think about it – your friend will finally get to experience “the weather up there.” What a treat! Plus, as an added perk, you’re paying homage to the leprechaun whose retirement fund you just stole! That tiny redhead’s dream in life was just to dunk on little kids’ basketball hoops.
Now, your friend might just be able to touch the net on the big boy hoop. But don’t worry, their newfound height won’t test your superiority complex – after all, your friend still doesn’t have any game.
Pull an unforgettable prank
Last but not least, you could pull a prank that the university would never forget. Think wrapping Pulley Tower in pink polka-dot duct tape, putting saran wrap over every university door, or even getting President Crawford to wear a toupee without knowing!
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