A humor columnist’s pitch: Renovations at Miami

As most students have probably heard by now, Miami University might destroy Cook Field and build an arena, shopping center and parking garage in its place (who knew a pocket dimension in the space-time continuum existed right on our campus? I had no idea that space was so big!).

Since President Crawford seems to be slapping his approval on every project the committee hands him, I thought I’d throw my hat into the ring. Here are five other green spaces on campus I think we should change:

Slantwalk

Earlier in the year, administration flirted with the idea of putting an arena on the beloved Slantwalk. Surprisingly, I’m with admin on this one, I just disagree on what kind of arena it should be.

Here’s the deal: with Cook Field gone, all the intramural kids are going to be looking for a new source of entertainment. For years, entertainment has fallen to the jocks, the sporty top-of-the-hierarchy-cool-kids, who can’t spell the word “hierarchy” to save their lives (kind of like the humor section editor). I say it’s time to change that. I propose we build a large, state-of-the-art lab with spectator seating, and have the STEM kids compete to see who can get the most accurate experiment results, kind of like Hell’s Kitchen or The Great British Bake Off, but with more fire and crying.

Additionally, we can use money from ticket entry to the event to help cover the cost of Miami’s research, since we might lose some of our grants next year due to Trump’s medical research budget cuts.

“But wait,” I hear you say, “isn’t it kind of unethical to rely on science for entertainment and funding?” To which I reply, “It’s also probably unethical to deny faculty raises for the past three years, but Miami does that too! The university’s moral standpoint must be pretty flexible, I guess.”

Bishop Woods

Honestly, I don’t even know why this is still here. I’m told it’s a nice natural space for students to take a walk and clear their heads, it’s a habitat for native bird species and the site of the Poet’s Shack, a historic landmark, but what’s all that when you think of the profit Miami could make by turning the area into a bunch of Airbnb’s!

Parents are always complaining about the lack of lodging for visitors. How else are they supposed to obsessively helicopter-parent? Obviously the university should concern itself with the convenience of parents and non-students. After all, that’s what educational institutions are all about!

You’re probably thinking: isn’t a hotel more efficient than a bunch of Airbnb's? You’re right, it is! But, if Miami built a hotel, it would have to be three stories tall and made of brick (how else would you even build something?). In the past, parents and visitors have expressed confusion about where they are, due to the identical nature of literally every building on campus. By building Airbnb’s, the lodgings would be much easier for guests to find.

Central Quad

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Everyone who’s walked through Central Quad on a hot, sunny day can tell you, those sorority girls love to tan. Stroll through the area when it’s above 65 degrees, and you’ll see them face down on the lawn like they’ve accidentally passed out after one too many shots at Brick. These poor girls will do anything to achieve that perfect tan, including sprawling head-first in the dirt and baring their ass to a total stranger.

It’s clear we need a solution. I propose an indoor tanning salon, filled with those big heat lamps, like the ones used in reptile enclosures. Unfortunately, it may also attract some Farmer kids, which is a totally different kind of cold-blooded snake, but as any sorority girl will tell you: the tan will be worth it.

South Quad

You know, I don’t think Miami really has enough bell towers. We have a great big campus, and only two measly bell towers? I, like most Miami students, want to be able to hear bells ringing all day long, not just 17 minutes past the hour (and a bonus, if the bells are loud enough, you won’t be forced to listen to your abysmal lecture class ever again!).

South campus is suffering from a lack of bell towers, which is why South Quad would be the perfect location for one! Who needs a volleyball court when you can have a big honking bell tower instead!

McKie Field

Let’s be honest, who really cares about baseball? Sure, it’s America’s favorite pastime, an undeniable historical activity for our nation, but Cook Field is also an important and cherished part of Miami’s legacy, and we’re destroying that too!

What Miami really needs is an outdoor swimming pool. Sure, it’ll only be good for about half the year, if that, but so are the dining halls, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. I’m not just saying this because I’m a swimmer, I think everyone would have fun with it, and after completely ignoring student input on the Cook Field project, we deserve to have a little fun.

mahones5@miamioh.edu