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HUMOR

Day in the life of a Jeep driver

This article is facetious, and if you are bothered by this, I’m probably who you are writing about.

12:50 p.m.: Wake up. Check to see PuhPa’s credit card statement only to see that I’ve reached the spending limit for the month. Too many O-bombs last night. I suck at driving. No worries, Mother’s American Express Gold card will have to do. 

12:55 p.m.: Time for class. May as well drive there since Daddy paid for it! Oh a parking ticket? $150! Who cares, add it to my bursar balance. I ain’t paying for shit anyways. I suck at driving. 

Opens the Jeep Wrangler door and starts the car

12:56 p.m.: Damn, my car is so cool. I suck at driving. Everyone must think I’m the coolest dude on campus. Let’s blast some really shitty music with way too much bass so that everyone will turn their head!

Starts driving down High Street at 90 mph revving the engine and turning the music up even louder. People start to notice. 

1:00 p.m.: Hell yeah, everyone turning their heads to look at how cool I am. I suck at driving. Hey ladies, do you like my speakers? I call them my dawgs, listen to them bark. ROUOOOOUHOYGOUH

Turns music up louder and continues driving down High Street. Turns into a parking lot that has a “Parking Strictly Enforced” sign by Laws Hall. 

1:10 p.m.: What’s the sign say? Oh, it says “Parking.” Great, I’ll park here. I suck at driving. Almost time for coloring class!

2:35 p.m.: Phew! I suck at driving. All that coloring made me hungry and McDonald’s sounds like a real snack right now. 

Drives towards McDonald’s and is approaching an intersection. Begins turning right onto High Street and hears a thud, thud sound under the Jeep.

2:45 p.m.: Damn! This town has such a deer problem. F— that deer. 

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Drives away and flips off the “deer” laying on the road behind him. 

4:00 p.m. Pickin’ up the boys. We got important business to attend to.

Our hero picks up five friends to cram into the Jeep.

4:30 p.m.:

Hero: Everyone! One more time, what are your roles?!

Friend 1: Music control!

Hero: Good. Next?

Friend 2: Optimize air flow (open and close Jeep windows)

Hero: Yes. And what else?

Friend 3: Make sure everyone is head bobbing in sync. 

Hero: Excellent! Lastly?

Friend 4: I am to yell something unintelligible at anyone I see on the sidewalk.

Friend 5: Directions. 

Hero: Awesome! Who’s ready to drive really around Oxford?

Friends: WE ARE!

The driving around goes late into the night, despite people yelling at them to shut the f— up because its 3 a.m. 

Hero: I’m definitely not trying to compensate. 

john1595@miamioh.edu

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