A guide to getting a Valentine before Feb. 14

Suppose you’re like us, then you’ve come to realize that there’s a very real chance that you might go all four years without meeting your Miami Merger, or even a Tinder talking stage (aside from the time we got catfished by the people at Hate and Dishonor). Things have gotten so bad that the two of us have resorted to frequent cuddling and have a plan to get married (for tax purposes, we promise).

But as single-status individuals, we know exactly what would work for us. Some have criticized our suggestions because they haven’t been tested, but let’s face it, talking to women is too scary to justify getting experimental data here. Anyways, here are some pick-up lines that (probably) work and will get you a date on the 14th.

Pick up lines to use at the gym

If you ever happen to see someone running on a treadmill, these are some perfect, totally not-cringe pick-up lines that’ll immediately get you scrambling to make a reservation at Pickle and Pig.

“You take my breath away.” The key to using this one successfully is to start doubling over as if you’re cramping. Faking this physical pain has the additional benefit of making you seem more manly and tough, so naturally this increases the likelihood of acquiring a number.

“Are your legs tired yet? ’Cuz you’ve been running through my mind all day” No explanation is needed, this works well for treadmills and running clubs.

“Are you cardio? Because I’ve never done you before, but I’ve heard you’d be good for my heart.” Simple, yet effective – plus you lower expectations of your new gym crush expecting you to do cardio.

Our last suggestion is simple. Just walk in front of that hot muscle mommy who is filming, stand in front of her camera with a big smile on your face, then say “Well I’m in this video. Might as well get working on the relationship launch now.”

Pick up lines to use in class

Now don’t roll your eyes at this one, I’m sure you’ve heard it before. But have you ever tried it? No. And that’s why you’re still single, taking advice from a couple of guys who strike out more than Josh Naylor.

“I thought this was biology class, but I’m feeling some chemistry between us.” Just give it a try, trust me.

For Farmer School of Business students, you can break out this beauty: “Man, this coloring page is hard. I forgot to draw my stunning new girlfriend in my family portrait.”

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It’s important to note that if you have class in a computer lab, you don’t need these pickup lines. Just show her your Minecraft server where you built a shrine to Sydney Sweeney. Works like a charm:“Girl are you lava? Because you look hot and oozy when pressure is applied correctly.”

When in doubt, just go to the two standbys. Either a) knock all of her stuff over and pick it up like a gentleman or b) if you have a bubble butt, drop your pencil, turn towards her, and show that thang off. These methods were scientifically designed for the two of us (you can guess who hits leg day on your own).

Pick up lines to use Uptown

This may be the most powerful tool yet, simply start singing “Country Rooooooads.” The natural response here is for the other person to say “Take me hooooome,” and then you say “you don’t have to tell me twice,” and throw your arm around them and start walking.

At the Phi Delt gates, just challenge every guy you see to a race. When you win, the girl of your dreams might hold your hand. Worked for me in first grade (the last time I felt the touch of a woman).

Confidence is key with this next one, as is avoiding being seen by literally anyone (for legal reasons). “Hey girl, you wanna be like CJ’s and do it in the alley?”

TMS humor section is not responsible for any and all slaps incurred as a result of using this line.

patteemj@miamioh.edu

oviattcc@miamioh.edu