My wisdom teeth are being removed next week – the day before Thanksgiving. To some, wisdom teeth removal before a holiday celebration, all about eating, is criminal. I don’t like Thanksgiving, so I have the perfect excuse to rot in bed all day and watch the National Dog Show.
However, I’m getting my f—ing wisdom teeth out. I don’t like medical procedures or check-ups in the first place and avoid them at all costs.
But before I knew it, my mother locked me into wisdom teeth removal surgery. I am terrified because I know, I just know I am going to out myself.
The number of people who have asked for a video of me all drugged up is quite concerning. It’s like everyone knows I will make a fool of myself. My boss at work even wants the video. Being the funniest person in the room comes at a cost.
Knowing myself, I predict one of three scenarios to occur.
Situation 1: Lock in
On the occasional night out, a switch flips in my head. I’m a couple Buschlattes deep. My ears are ringing. Eyes squinting from the bright lights. Everything is a blur. During moments like these, I start to hear a voice in my head.
The voice says “I need to lock in,” and lock in I do. Last month, after an intervention just like this, I chased down a glass cup thief and rescued my friend, August’s glass from a rogue Ohio U student.
But that’s besides the point. When I decide to “lock in,” I go home, crank out some push ups and set my alarm for 6 a.m. the next morning so I can go to the gym before everyone else.
I predict after a lot of anesthesia, I will decide to once again lock in. The doctors may need some restraints to hold me back or I might start “locking in” at the wrong time. The punching (IV) bag in the corner looks like it wants the smoke.
Scenario 2: You are so beautiful
I would say my drunk alter ego would be Dug, the golden retriever from the movie “Up,” and it shows. My golden-retriever self wants to tell everyone how much I love them.
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A majority of people on The Miami Student’s editorial staff have been told how much I love them by my alter ego. Sometimes, like a dog, I forget my own strength and hug friends a bit too hard. One of my friends thought they were going to pass out from how hard I was hugging. Whoops.
I also have a tendency to tell people helping me how beautiful they are. It seems like everytime I go to get some late-night Skippers I am telling the woman taking my order how gorgeous she is. Since I am afraid of women, I do not ask for her number or anything. I just enjoy my cheeseburger before going home.
I know, I just know, that I will be telling one of the nurses helping me how beautiful they are and that I love them. Teddy under the influence and expressing his love goes together better than Miami dining hall food and bugs.
Scenario 3: Non-verbal
One thing I like about being a Miami student is that we can handle our substances … for the most part. Or at least tolerate it at a higher level than the average college student. This said, I have a feeling the doctor is going to need a lot of gas to knock me out.
All that gas means I am going to be high off my ass meaning: I am going non-verbal.
I will be lights-on-no-one-is-home type of high. Not speaking, just staring… into the depths of your soul. Just kidding!
To me, being that high means one thing: time to watch Outdoor Boys on YouTube.
If you have any good anesthesia stories, shoot me an email!
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