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Teddy’s October recap

Teddy dressed as Moo Deng
Teddy dressed as Moo Deng

I was born at a very young age in the month of October. For over two decades, it has been my favorite month. The mix of celebrating my birthday and trick-or-treating always made October the most memorable month of each year. But this October has honestly been one of the most memorable. 

October is known as “Spooky Season” for a damn good reason, and I must say this October was SPOOKY. I don’t know what was in the air, but my October proved to be bonkers. Here is why. 

I thought you were dead

On Thursday, Oct. 18, as per usual, I am managing at the bar I work at. At roughly 10 p.m., things got real spooky as sewage started to leak from our bathroom floor due to a plumbing malfunction. 

Unfortunately, we had to close the bar, and I was fuming because I am a broke college student who needs money. Once I got everything at the bar closed down, I did what every Miami student does when they are stressed or annoyed: get a drink. 

But that night I was feeling dangerous, so I proceeded to order a drink known as “The Black Death.” I was down bad to say the least. The night continued as a normal night at Brick goes; bumping into people on the BDF (Brick Dance Floor) and taking way too many shots. 

My friends and I stayed until last call (bad) and went to chill at my place for a bit. At around 3:30 a.m. (jail, I know) I start walking them home. As we stumbled to their home, we discovered a guy passed out on the sidewalk. 

Being the responsible adult I am, we approach the seemingly dead individual to see if he is OK. I checked his pulse to see if he was alive and my friend slapped him a few times to try and wake him up. After a couple of gentle slaps to the visage, he awoke but couldn’t talk. 

Even simple questions like his name, his address or his birthday led to us getting a look that screams “lights are on, no one’s home.” So we walked him to my friend's house, sat him on the couch and got him some water. 

We were incredibly worried and almost resorted to taking him to McKillem and Hyde Em (McCullough Hyde). To our great relief, he started to talk and show signs of life. He even had enough life in him to open his phone!

Relief spreads across my face, thinking he is about to tell a friend to come get him or that he is OK. But to our utter disbelief, he opens Snapchat and starts opening snaps from his hoes! 

Almost simultaneously my friends and I said, “You gotta be f—’ kidding me.”

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Not 10 minutes before we thought he was dead. He couldn’t say a word and now he is alive enough to snap the hoes! At this point, we are all fed up to say the least and slightly annoyed that he abused our kindness. 

It was time for this guy to go home. But lo and behold, he does not go to Miami. And shocker, he goes to Ohio University. Of course the drunken idiot we discover on the street goes to OU. He said he was visiting his brother and does not know where he lives. All he knows is that he is in a frat and the code to get into said frat – so helpful.

At around 4 a.m., we are on a wild goose chase trying to find out which frat house his brother lives in. At one point, the OU idiot takes off in a dead sprint, carrying my friend’s nice glass cup in his hand. 

As I was slightly under the influence, I took this personally. No one, I mean NO ONE, takes CUPS from my friends. I take off after him, flying through the streets of Oxford (I’m Batman) and reclaim the cup. 

At this point, he was sober enough to not be our problem, but drunk enough to be an ass, so we released him back into the wild and he found a frat, (not sure if it was the right one), to stay at.  I like to think I saved a life that night. 

Matroda and Hot Wheels

I am a slut for EDM music, so when I heard Matroda was performing at Brick, I HAD to get tickets. For those of you who aren’t sluts for EDM, Monster UP&UP festival helps bring a famous EDM DJ to Miami once a semester. Typically, the concerts take place on Tuesdays and are absolutely electric (frat flick is in full force).

I started off my night pre-gaming the concert with battery acid, better known as a FourLoko. Upon arrival at Brick, I then had one or two more brewskis before starting to feel a bit tipsy. In my head, I start to hear a little voice echo in my head. 

The voice bounces around in my head: “Shots…” it tells me. The voice grows continually louder until I am verbally saying to any friend I see, “SHOTS!” Fortunately, most of my friends said no. But that did not stop me from buying four rounds of shots for me and a different friend, each time I went up to the bar.

To say the least, I am feeling good now – so good that I felt an urge from the soles of my feet to top of my receding hairline: I need to dance. I relocated from my spot on the railing to the BDF and started dancing like there was no tomorrow. 

The vibes were great and I had plenty of space to do my thang. My friends were eating up my BDF antics. But before I knew it some dude pushed me from behind and accused me of twerking on his girlfriend. 

So, I walked back towards my friends, who saw the whole thing and they were like, “Yeah, you were nowhere near anyone else, not sure what he was on,” probably on cocaine considering the first thing I see when I walk into Brick is a dude doing a line of coke in the bathroom. 

As 4U by Matroda blares around, I’m pretty sure the lights coming from the DJ booth are real lasers. Eventually, like all good things, the concert comes to an end. But, once again being slightly under the influence, I think it's a good idea to stay out. So me and two of my friends found our way to another bar. 

Our side quest did not last long, considering they dipped after about 10 minutes, leaving me to ponder life in an empty bar with an almost full beer left to drink.

I don’t like being alone when drinking, so I took my beer outside with me and started talking to the first person I could find; this guy happened to be in a wheelchair and introduced himself to me as “Hot Wheels.”

Hot Wheels looked thirsty, so I gave him my drink. As he proceeded to down the drink vigorously, he introduced me to his friend Will, who was hanging out with him. At this point, I convinced myself the three of us were the Three Musketeers and us rolling around Uptown was basically the coolest thing I’ve ever done in my life. 

Our quest led us across High Street and down an alley just a little bit, to my new companion's favorite smoke spot. I feel like someone, at some point, told me not to follow strangers into an alley, but f— it. You only live once. 

We chatted like we’d known each other our whole lives. I am not sure what we were yapping about but damn I wish I could have this night on instant replay. 

I’m going barnanas 

As I previously mentioned, I manage a bar here in Oxford. I love my job and pride myself in creating a fun, safe drinking environment for college students.

The bar I work at is considered by most to be a “chill” bar. But recently, there’s been a massive uptick in people just being, for lack of a better word, dumbasses. I shit you not, in the past two weeks, I’ve had to kick more people out of the bar than in my entire two years working there combined.

In one night at the bar, all of this happened:

  • Man threw up on bar floor because he folded to peer pressure, agreeing to take four shots and a Smirnoff Ice consecutively

  • Person threw up all over a booth – it looked like oatmeal and REEKED

  • Three patrons physically escorted out of the bar for using slurs, being verbally abusive, throwing drinks and being drunk f—- (they were in Sig Ep so shoutout you guys for being so cool!)

  • A guy snapped a pool stick over his leg. This guy was with his friend who works at the bar! What the hell dude.

  • Two staff members went home sick

That is just one night, and it doesn’t include me scooping vomit out of a urinal or a parent yelling at one of my employees. It’s been a month. 

The city of Oxford needs to do a water test to see why all this f—ery is going on. 

Where it ends…

The month of October culminated with my Halloween party, where I dressed up as Moo Deng, the pygmy hippo. Thank you, October for being one to remember. 

john1595@miamioh.edu


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