Established 1826 — Oldest College Newspaper West of the Alleghenies
HUMOR

Re: Your Employment at Miami

Dear poor schmuck,

We regret to inform you that you have not been cleared to work. Just kidding; we don’t ever regret inconveniencing you.

Despite making it through two rounds of interviews, receiving an email saying you’re hired and attending the orientation session, human resources still haven’t cleared you. Oh geez, now you’re asking for a reason? We hate to break it to you, but we don’t really use those. It’s more of a judgment off loose vibes, you know?

Good luck trying to get people to help you. We’ve found that actually teaching people how to use our app just isn’t conducive to the environment we at Workday want to cultivate. We want to create a family, so learning how to operate our app is the perfect team-bonding exercise! 

If you fail this first trial and can’t figure out the app, don’t worry! We care deeply about customer satisfaction, which is why we created support tickets. If you’re having difficulties, all you have to do is go to the support website and file your complaint. Your report will be triaged and addressed in order of importance, so you can expect your complaint to be processed within 3 to 84 business weeks.

What’s that you say? You’re not cleared to work because you don’t have multiple forms of verifiable ID with you on campus? Do you mean to tell us that you didn’t think bringing your social security card with you was a good idea?

Oh man, that one’s on you, then. We take security very seriously, and we have to make sure you are who you say you are. Why should we trust your Miami student ID, even if you did have to use your social security number to enroll?

If for some reason you didn’t bring your social security card with you, try using your passport. You’ve never been out of the country? Well, I guess you’re just out of luck. You can try getting your parents to mail it to you, but you have to get it within three days of being hired, and mail on campus only gets sorted on Mondays and Fridays. Why? We’re just quirky like that.

If you have any further questions, don’t hesitate to let us know! We look forward to hearing from you in approximately two years when our system processes your message.

Good luck! (You’re going to need it),

Workday

mahones5@miamoh.edu

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