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HUMOR

Humor section picks for el presidente

Moo Deng and Pesto

Amongst all this division, two heroes have emerged: Moo Deng the pygmy hippo and Pesto the emperor penguin. Similarly to Trump and Harris, they too are stooges. But, Moo Deng and Pesto are cute stooges, unlike the latter. 

The unlikely pair of hippo and penguin are exactly what our country needs to become more powerful and reunite a divided peoples. 

Firstly, their partnership will usher in a new era of tolerance, showing that despite differences, we can work together. Secondly, they will achieve a peace greater than any in history. Who can say no to those faces? 

Lastly, their balance of ferocity and collectiveness will make the United States a force to be reckoned with. Moo Deng doesn’t take shit from anyone: especially when trying to be manhandled. And Pesto’s cool, calm demeanor will be perfect for negotiations with other countries. I would like to see countries TRY to deal with a pair this strong. 

Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog

America wants a strong leader. This characteristic is so important to voters, it is included as a question in the Times/Siena polls. Who better to embody the strength of the American people than Miss Piggy?

Not only does she show fierce oratorical prowess, but she is also skilled in karate, and would have an excellent understanding of the discipline required to lead the nation.

Miss Piggy and Kermit are no strangers to the public eye. Miss Piggy’s book Miss Piggy’s Guide to Life became a national bestseller. Additionally, Miss Piggy has worked as both a nurse and an astronaut, which proves that she is multitalented, as well as extremely intelligent.

Kermit the Frog has written three books: “For Every Child,” “A Better World,” “One Frog Can Make a Difference” and “Before You Leap.” Kermit also appeared as a reporter for the Sesame Street News Flash, which lends him credibility and showcases his own public speaking skills.

Together, Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog will answer the kinds of questions that Americans really want to know, like: “Why are there so many songs about rainbows and what’s on the other side?”

For these reasons, Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog are the obvious choices for president and vice president of the U.S.

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Mr. Clean and The Kool-Aid Man

When selecting a presidential ticket, the people of America want someone who will address the pressing issues we face today. Now some people think the issues Americans are facing are things like the economy, immigration, abortion, democracy, the housing crisis, etc. But there are some far more important unspoken issues facing Americans today. 

This truly is a unity ticket, addressing issues important to both parties, like addressing the illegal dust bunnies and ensuring that pro-choice Americans will always have the right to choose which flavor of Kool-Aid they want, not to mention the color they want their tongue stained. 

Now critics of this ticket will say that Mr. Clean’s past of blocking The Kool-Aid Man’s proposed bill, which would have allowed for stained carpets nationwide, is just too much to come back from. However, Mr. Clean has made it quite clear that the recent emergence of extremists like Scrub Daddy and Tide Pod makes it necessary to become more moderate.

As such I see no other option than to encourage and whole-heartedly endorse this dynamic duo. Mr. Clean and The Kool-Aid Man, they’re more than we deserve and will finally be able to clean up this nation and give it a sweeter taste.

Ur Mom and George Washington

These are two of the most popular write-in candidates, and for good reason, they are receiving my vote. For those who are wondering, Ur Mom is my vote for president. First of all, I think it’s time for a female president, plus Ur Mom did promise me fresh cookies (among other things) at your house last night. 

However, I was a bit apprehensive about Ur Mom’s lack of political experience (plus her raising you doesn’t help her case). So, I thought she would be a good pair with George Washington. While a bit up there in age (296 years old), Washington brings incredible experience to the White House. As far as I can tell, he’s received votes in every election in American history. You can’t argue with that record. 

However, some people argue that Georgie Poo isn’t built for the physical modern era.sThe harshest critics claim his weak competition for president was made up of tea dumpers and horse riders. That’s where Ur Mom comes in. She has been the go-to insult for adolescent boys for generations. I think she’s built to excel in this era, with Honest George having her back (I think I got that story right).

john1595@miamioh.edu

mahones5@miamioh.edu 

patteemj@miamioh.edu 

oviatcc@miamioh.edu

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