I pride myself on being someone willing to try new things – call me a tree the way I branch out. I particularly had this mindset when I showed up on this campus. I walked into my dorm, wide-eyed and bushy-tailed, thinking of all the cool, new opportunities for me.
It didn’t take too long for me to get catfished into the worst possible activity I have ever done. In fact, it is so dangerous that the product it revolves around is no longer available. You may have already guessed it, but for those of you who aren’t enjoying my vague introduction, here it is: the Paqui One Chip Challenge.
You may be thinking; “Why did a wimpy little boy decide to do the one-chip challenge?” Well, the story is a lot more disappointing than you would imagine. Here it is.
Part 1: Peer pressure
Most college stories begin with a little bit of stupidity and a lot of peer pressure. This one is no different.
Sometimes I ask myself, “Why am I the way I am? Why do I do this to myself? Was it to impress a girl? Because my roommates dared you to do it? Did someone call me weak?”
Well, all of these answers would be incorrect. I did it because a bunch of people told me it wasn’t that bad. They said it would make me cool and it would teach me to have a high spice tolerance – what a bunch of crap. If my future wife was on the other side of this experience, it would have been worthwhile. But what awaited me was far inferior.
Part 2: Down the hatch
Like many stupid 19-year-olds, there was never a second of doubt as to whether I should go forward with the challenge. So, three buddies and I sat down in our dorm common area, with gallons of milk in hand, and dove right in.
As the chip went down my throat, I remember saying, “That wasn’t too bad.” Boy did karma kick my butt for that. After about a 15-second delay, I felt the most intense pain of my life. You may say that I’m being dramatic. But, if you’ve met/seen me, you would realize that I’m not exaggerating.
I think that sour cream is spicy, so you can imagine how I felt when the spiciest chip ever created reared its ugly head. I immediately chugged half a gallon of milk, failing the challenge 45-seconds after it began (for what it’s worth, my three buddies succeeded in the challenge).
Chugging the milk may have been an even worse decision than eating the chip. About five minutes after the challenge began, I was projectile vomiting on the floor of the common room. This was solely because the pain immobilized me. To this day, there is still a massive stain on the floor where the heinous incident went down.
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But, this is only the beginning of a truly wonderful story. Unfortunately, I have already reached my yap limit for this print. If you found this even moderately funny, please read the second part next print (my articles haven’t been doing so well, and I want my mommy to be proud of me).
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