A day in the life of Bernard (campus squirrel)

Hello Miami University students, my name is Bernard. I’m a squirrel here on Miami’s campus and before you ask, yes, I have been documented by @miamioh_squirrels, which honestly is really annoying because I can’t get a moment of privacy around campus.

Anyway, I’m writing this today because the regular humor writer, Michael Pattee, was out of ideas and knew no one would notice if his writing prowess disappeared for a week. So, I’m here to tell you my average Wednesday.

My day always starts out by trying to find breakfast. Now, on the weekends I can scavenge for some discarded Bagel & Deli, but alas, since people were not COMPLETE degenerates last night, the pickings were slim. So after settling for just an acorn (which is about the equivalent of a venti oleato from Starbucks), I set off to start people-watching.

Now on Saturdays, I’ll play “punch-shamey,” which is like “punch-buggy” but for walks of shame. But since it’s only a Wednesday, I often have to settle for watching first-year students sprint to their 8 a.m. classes in pajama pants, only to realize they are drenched in sweat as they enter the building.

Then after that, I’ll take an early morning nap, and then wake up in time to catch President Crawford walking his dogs (I love taunting dogs). Afterward, I have my weekly meeting with my good pals Jennie and Phil.

Phil used to be a part of the squirrel mafia on campus. He was recruited by Vinnie “The Nutcracker” Squirrel, in order to be a member of the Cheek-Stuffer Clan. But after he nearly died in a skirmish with The Scamperino Syndicate, he’s gotten his nuts back in line.

Afterward, I’ll usually take a RodentLift (the Uber of the squirrel world) back home. This time I decided to ride luxury and take a deer named John. I then spend the next couple of hours stuffing my cheeks with nuts and carrying them over to my secret stash. When all you Miami students leave, there is not any food left behind.

For dinner, I scavenged for some Bagel & Deli. Luckily, I found scraps of my favorite sandwich known to man, the Tonya Harding Club. I hear Tonya was a bit nuts so I really like her sandwich.

I tried sitting still but started feeling a bit squirrely, so I headed Uptown in order to catch some entertainment. This past Wednesday, this one girl was wearing some jean shorts that had to be like a half acorn inseam (like gah-denim girl, how down bad are you). She was then flipped over some chain rope stanchions, bonking her head on the pavement. Me and the other spectators just went nutty, it was great.

As the Uptown shenanigans wrap up each night, I’ll head back to my tree to get some shut-eye. As I curl up on my beanie that I stole from some sophomore last year, I can’t help but hope that I don’t have another nightmare of what life would be like as a humor writer for The Miami Student.

Unfortunately, I do not have an email address to receive your feedback at, like Michael, the idealess humor writer who normally writes does. So feel free to send your nutty takes about my average day to him, at the address below.

patteemj@miamioh.edu