Some of you may not know, but there’s an underground club not present at Mega Fair known as Miami University Middle-Aged Men Appreciation Club, MUMAM for short. I was recently able to infiltrate said underground club and gained some absolute PEARLS of wisdom. So without further ado, here are some of the best dad jokes that I heard while present, and a guide for when to use them.
For when your friends start to take the term OxVegas literally and want to play poker. Simply find the nearest girl and… you guessed it, poke her!
Perhaps one of your environmental science major friends goes on another tangent, you can get a break by asking them what they think windmills’ favorite type of music would be. When they inevitably say they don’t know, crack a smile and say: “They seem like big metal fans to me.”
Next time you’re chatting with someone who says “I’m Hungry,” respond “Hi hungry, I’m (insert your name).”
When your friend tries to figure out the best gift to buy for someone’s birthday, suggest a broken drum. When they ask “Why?” Inform them that it’s because “No one will be able to beat it.”
Ladies, the next time your boyfriend gets mad at you for wearing too many outfits all in one day, just tell him, “Babe, you made me promise I’d change!”
The next time one of your friends complains about their eyes or contacts lenses, grab some ketchup and throw it at their face. They will probably be mad, but not as mad as when you tell them that they should be able to see now because Heinz-sight is 20/20.
What about when that girl from Brick leaves your best friend on opened? Well just remind them that at least she didn’t leave them on delivered, and when it’s not delivery, it’s Digiorno!
Next time your friend mentions that they broke their arm in three places, you should politely remind them not to go to those places.
Do you have a friend named Brie, Colby or Jack? If so, next time tell them that they could get themselves shredded for about five dollars at Kroger instead of having to go to the gym everyday (alright, I admit that one’s a bit cheesy, but I still think it’s a gouda one).
For those of you who have that friend who’s trying to go on a diet (unsuccessfully), and their excuse is that they are just too busy, come back with “Yeah, I mean it did look like you had a lot on your plate today.”
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