I’ve really been enjoying my first few weeks on campus. The novelty of living more or less on my own hasn’t been lost yet. Everything is perfect — except for one thing. The squirrels here are particularly malicious.
Maybe they can sense that I’m not a native Ohioan. Maybe they take umbrage with my hair or the color of my backpack. Maybe the world is actually a videogame and the squirrels are my sworn enemies. No matter the reason, the squirrels seem to have it out for me, and I’ve spent a decent portion of my week dodging falling nuts.
I live in constant fear of concussions. Every time I walk to Armstrong to study, I swear I can hear them cackling above me. I’ve compiled a list of solutions so that you too can remain safe from savage squirrel attacks.
One suggestion would be to simply carry umbrellas when you walk under trees. This poses a slight issue for me, since the umbrella I have here on campus could potentially lift me off into the air like Mary Poppins. Also, supposedly it’s bad luck to open an umbrella inside, and frankly I’m not sure how much more bad luck I can take. (I stepped on The Seal the other day—please send help).
The second option requires a bit more planning.
First, go to Amazon and type “vaulting pole.” You’re going to want to click the SECOND link that comes up (the first link is better suited for a nightclub than squirrel deterring), which should be a 19-foot. flexible pole. Add that to your (mom’s) Amazon cart.
Next, hand over your (parents) sweet, sweet credit card info to Jeff Bezos. Then, wait a couple days before walking to the Shriver Center and acquiring your self-defense care package (careful to avoid any falling acorns on the way).
After that, it’s a simple matter of assembling your 19-foot pole and using it to prod the tree branches before you walk underneath them, ensuring that any stray nuts will have already fallen and any malicious squirrels sent scampering.
If you don’t have $50 to blow, or you’re worried about the logistics of carrying a 19-foot pole to and from class every day, the best option would be to simply don a bike helmet and proceed with your day as normal. As far as I’m aware there’s no bad luck associated with wearing a bike helmet indoors. As an added bonus, you’ll never have to style your hair again, since you’ll have a serious case of helmet-head regardless.
In an effort to be slightly stylish, I raided my roommate’s craft supplies and bought a pack of different kinds of glitter at Walmart. Now I can be safe and in style with my bedazzled helmet! If you really want to go the extra mile, try gluing strings of colorful beads, so they hang from the helmet — and don’t worry, I’m sure it won’t annoy your teachers. (Sidenote: I am not responsible for any student-teacher altercations or dips in your GPA).
So there you have it. Go forth safe from squirrels, and equipped with the knowledge that no one will look stupid if everyone wears a helmet. If you don’t hear from me after a month, assume the squirrels got me (and if they do get me, I leave everything to my roommate, Sophia).
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