Lovely reader, I have to be honest. I am writing this article at 9 a.m. on Monday before print and that’s very strategic. As my wise (or alcoholic and verbally abusive) Little League baseball coach once said, “pressure makes diamonds.” I’ll be damned, if this won’t be a diamond.
But, how did I end up in this position? Shouldn’t I have written my article earlier? Like, a week ago? Well, yes, but I have some excuses. Here’s what my week leading up to this looked like.
Monday through Friday - Academic weaponing
For those of you who don’t know, I have been putting up incredible numbers (1.3 GPA), in the most difficult college on campus, (Farmer School of Business) for years now. So, of course, I can’t write my article during the week. I spend all of my time studying such difficult concepts as coloring in the lines, counting to 10 and money laundering.
I also have to manage my Greek god physique (6 foot 5 inches, 245 pounds, single and ready to mingle). So, I HAVE to spend four hours at the gym and another three eating the driest chicken and rice you can imagine. So, no humor articles.
Saturday, 10 a.m. - The text
Like I would imagine every other TMS editor does, Teddy Johnson, the humor editor, reaches out to his staffers asking for our finished work. Waking up to such a text is not only inconvenient, but also not a priority for me, so, I ignore it. After all, there’s a football game for me to go to.
Sunday, 10 a.m. - Gentle reminder
Again, as I’m sure every editor does, Teddy realizes that his dumb staffers have submitted zero articles for him to edit. With print day quickly approaching, Teddy asks his staffers very nicely to submit their work.
Unfortunately for him, I am still recovering from a night of intense responsibility, where I completed various chemistry experiments at Brick Street University and studied my behavior “for science.” Teddy, having seen me Uptown the night before, regrets his decision to put his faith in me. He likely understands what's coming next.
Sunday, 5 p.m. - Empty promise
Having opened my text messages for the first time in three days, I realize that I am screwing Teddy over. I tell him I will begin writing the article immediately, despite having zero ideas. But then, I realize it's time for me to watch Slim-Shady looking Joe Burrow and the Bengals lose again, and decide to kick the can down the road.
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Monday, 9 p.m. - Freak-out mode
In a shocking turn of events, the humor staffers have left Teddy with zero products for print. He sends out a desperate text, and an idea hits. So, I decided to write the least funny article I can imagine: about my terrible writing process. However, as a big fan of self-deprecating humor, I go with it anyway. I grind out an article in 20 minutes and send it over. If you’re disappointed in your reading experience, I don’t know what to tell you. I was honest and upfront. And I’m sure things are starting to make a lot more sense now.
To answer your question, yes, I am never funny because my articles are written last minute. When will you learn to stop reading to this point?
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