Sightseeing for ‘Make it Miami’ Students

Do you remember driving into Oxford on an incredibly crowded day, struggling to find a campus parking deck and taking your exhausted self into Armstrong to begin the greatest of days: Make it Miami. We remember it vividly – little red tote bags, paper pamphlets that we never read, and a realization that Miami University was the place for us (it was the only school we got into, and we got waitlisted at that). But, we have learned since becoming full-time students that there were a lot of things we missed. Here are some sights that ‘Make it Miami’ students should look out for.

President Crawford riding his bicycle

One of the first things students will notice on campus is our lovely President Crawford peddling around on his bicycle. Decked out with pink streamers and a giant horn, Crawford rides around campus in style. If you want particularly good views, we would recommend sitting right outside of the sorority quad; there is a large path with a gentle incline. Crawford is known to attempt to break the land speed record on this “hill,” although we do not believe he has been successful. Rumor on the street is that Crawford may also finally be dropping the training wheels, as he had not had any major “boo-boos” in the past few weeks.

Sam Sulek drinking “juice” behind the rec

There are plenty of huge gym rats at Miami. The most famous of them all is our hero, Sam Sulek. Although we regularly see Sam at the rec, we have been too afraid to talk to him, as he is way too cool for us lame humor writers. Part of both his pre and post-workout rituals is drinking a container of “juice.” From what we have heard, this is what gives Sam his superhuman strength, along with his attention to detail and extreme work ethic (please don’t hurt us). We emailed Sam to ask if we could try his concoction, as science depends on it, but unfortunately we didn’t hear back.

Over-enthusiastic Tour Guides Working for Brick Money

Don’t let the tour guide fool you. While they do a good job concealing it, we all know what their end goal is-accumulating as much “Brick Money” as possible. And I don’t blame them! I for one could not put up with the Karens pestering me about if there are vegan options available at King Library, or if there are sufficient programs for their child genius who’s going to quadruple major and graduate early (We all know they’ll switch to strat comm and be president of a frat by their fifth year). While the tour guides can hide their intentions fairly well, an attentive eye will catch a slight twinkle in their eyes as they mention Uptown. If you look closely, you can see your tour guide privately reminiscing about their last country night.

A Birdless Campus

Did you see any birds on your ‘Make It Miami’ tour? I highly doubt you did. Us here at the humor section have begun investigating why it is that those lovely little robins, blue jays, cardinals and many other common birds never appear on Miami’s campus. While the reason is still unconfirmed, we do know this – it appears to increase enrollment from students who frequent Reddit, and from parents of full-tuition-paying sorority girls who have fully stocked fall-out shelters at home (a fact that is rarely shared by the sorority girls, but obvious when you look at the tin foil lining beneath her father’s daily hat of choice).

Honorable Mention: A Seal on The Seal

For those who did not pass by ‘The Seal’ on Monday I greatly pity you. In a shocking turn of events, that even the great minds here at the Humor section did not see coming, an inflatable Seal was placed on top of The Seal. The Seal stood (or sat, whatever it is Seals do) proud and tall for all the ‘Make It Miami’ students to see. Here at the Humor section, we feel that this stroke of genius and ingenuity ought to be memorialized. While only one day’s worth of ‘Make It Miami’ students were able to behold this glorious sight, we petitioned the tour guides to honor ‘The Seal’ by proclaiming “Ort! Ort! Ort!” every time they see ‘The Seal.’

patteemj@miamioh.edu