Mini Headline Dump

Man who looked at the eclipse without glasses claims he can see a new array of colors

The odds of any given location experiencing a total eclipse is 1 in 375; which is apparently still better odds than me finding a girlfriend

Miami tour guide found proposing to strangers in order to say on a tour that they’re a part of the 14% that become Miami Mergers

Retired co-humor editor returns for one last Headline Dump victory lap; can’t bear the thought that he already peaked at 22

Oxford Christian’s stumped at the question of “If God is good, why did He create seasonal allergies?”

First-year student had to endure a 15 minute lecture after she accidentally said she had “senioritis” in front of an actual senior

Forbes shows record number of Miami University 2024 graduates are excited to start their career in the drive thru line at McDonald’s

Record number of hospital visits due to people staring at the sun without eclipse goggles

I went to the Bahamas on my last acid trip

I had a dream about the Dean of Students, it was the worst