For those of you who don’t know me (which I’m going to assume that the only people reading this article do know me), I am studying abroad in Luxembourg this semester. Don’t worry, it will be the only thing I talk about when I return to Oxford.
In addition to not having to attend any TMS events this semester, I have had many wonderful experiences while abroad.
I wanted to share with you some of the highlights of my trip so that I can remind you how much more awesome my semester is than yours. So, sit back, relax and enjoy reading about how much better I have it.
1. Asking Germans what it's like to lose two world wars
My first weekend here, I was able to go to Germany on some old rich dude's dime (make sure to donate to Miami when you graduate, kids). While I was there, I took it upon myself to let the Germans know how much better we are as Americans, both tactically and intellectually.
Germany had easy opportunities to defeat the French (who we will get to later) and the British (couldn’t even take a bunch of American colonists) not once, but twice, and couldn’t finish the job before big bad America came in to save the day.
So, I went into the public square, singing “The Star Spangled Banner,” and held up a sign that said, “Back to back World War Champs.” The sheer looks of shame on the faces of the Germans were worth the thousands of dollars in debt that I am accumulating over here.
I got a few snarky comments about being a “typical arrogant American,” but it's not my fault they didn’t plan properly for the siege on Verdun. I also made sure to mention how stupid lederhosen look and spoke the truth all Germans fear most: that sauerkraut is the worst food ever invented. Overall, I put the Germans in their place and couldn’t be more proud of myself.
2. Messing with a French mime
This past weekend, my friends and I went to France to eat bread and drink wine (very responsibly, I may add). However, while I was there, I had to tell all of the stupid mimes how dumb their professions were.
Because baguettes are cheap (roughly equivalent to $3) I bought about 10 baguettes and smacked the mimes with them. When they pretended to slap me back, I would simply retort “You’re not doing your job correctly — you didn’t hit me with a baguette.”
I decided that most of the mimes suck, as they would typically start sobbing. I’m hoping that my heroism inspired them to take on more useful professions, such as hot tub streaming or TikTok dancing.
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3. Releasing bald eagles and griddying in every country I visit
Finally, I wanted to bring two of America’s best pieces of culture to Europe – bald eagles and the griddy. Because I am such an amazing patriot, I successfully smuggled 10 bald eagles into my luggage to release throughout Europe.
The lack of bald eagles is just another way that Europe is inferior to America. The eagles I am currently holding onto (Apple Pie, Baseball, Football, Betsy Ross, Fried Chicken and Timmy) are staying in my bedroom where I feed them a fantastic American diet of twinkies and hot dogs.
When they are ready, I will take them to a new country and let them chase their American dream. This will not be an ecological nightmare. Trust me, I read Charles Darwin’s stuff.
I am also going into each town center, blasting Cardi B and griddying my little heart out. The locals typically start yelling very loudly, which, because I never bothered to learn their language, I assume is in support of my fantastic dancing.
Multiple police forces have tried to stop my demonstrations, at which point I remind them of my First Amendment rights. I think I am drastically improving local culture and saving people’s lives with my astonishing moves.
Overall, I have greatly enjoyed my time abroad. I am going to continue fighting the good fight and let everyone know how much better America is than their stupid countries. If you have any ideas on how to help my cause, feel free to email me at:
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