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HUMOR

The birth of the Dunkings

Jan. 12, 1972. It’s a cold, dreary day like any other in the Boston harbor. A “Southie,” still hungover from the Tuesday night before, walks to her shift at the hospital. She stops at the local Dunkin’ Donuts on her way. She gets way more than a cup of coffee. 

She walks inside to order her usual black coffee with a double shot of espresso, looking forward to her usual friendly morning greeting of “F*** the Lakahs!” 

But then, she is stopped in her tracks.

In front of her stands a man, nay, a god. He stands there, fully decked out in an orange and purple sweatsuit. On others, the outfit would be dreadful, but on him, it's majestic. He’s standing in line, singing a cappella style “Hound Dog” by Elvis, when their eyes meet. 

Donuts exploded. Babies stopped crying. A Celtics and Lakers fan hugged. 

The god gently kisses her hand, leaving the unmistakable stench of cigarettes and whiskey. She’s hooked. 

They go out for clam chowder after her shift and have a night to remember. Rumor has it every gang in Boston laid down their weapons in respect of this god. There was an earthquake that night that reached as far as Philadelphia and actually fixed the crack in the liberty bell.

Nine months later, this woman gives birth to twins. They slip out of her womb like the end of a water slide, one right after the other. Already dripped out in Dunkin’s honorary purple and orange. Both babies, miraculously, already have a full head of hair and matching beards.

The doctor goes to cut their umbilical cords, when he is stopped in his tracks. Dunking 1 cleanly rips the cord from each of their belly buttons as effortlessly as if he is ripping a paper straw. Dunking 2 flips the doctor the bird.

A shocking three months later, and the Dunkings both say their first word. 

“D… D… D…” 

“Dada?” his mother foolishly asks. 

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“Dunkin’!” he replies. 

“Donuts!” choruses the second. 

It is said that the twins were only 6 when they had their first cup of coffee. They were in a travel soccer league with 12-year-olds. Naturally, they were playing up with kids 6 years older. To celebrate Dunking 1’s winning goal and Dunking 2’s close save, the team went to their favorite celebratory spot — Dunkin’ Donuts.

As methodically as a shark stalks his prey, Dunking 2 distracted his mother as Dunking 1, fast as lightning, reached out and stole her coffee. The usual: black with a double shot of espresso. 

His mother was shocked that he had an interest in trying coffee. Even though they were 6 and physically competing with 12-year-olds, both of the Dunkings were still breastfeeding an alarming 14 times a day. 

Dunking 1 took a healthy swallow and passed it to Dunking 2, who followed suit. You could have heard a pin drop in that coffee house, as people’s eyes were glued to see how the twins would react. 

Like taking a shot of whiskey, the twins paused. They oxygenated their mouths and let it sit for a second. 

The coffee house – nay – the world had a moment's warning as both of the Dunkings’ eyes widened the second that double espresso hit their bloodstream. 

What happened next? 

In a word … tranquil chaos. 

These twins hit the floor running and never looked back. They ran all around the city of Boston causing a storm, and yet, everything they touched seemed to become better. 

Rumor has it, it was them who gave Larry Bird a pep talk before game six when he won his first NBA title. Rumor has it, they forced Matt Damon and Ben Affleck into a room together and gave them the idea for their big break movie, “Good Will Hunting.” They wanted to call it “Good Dunking Hunting,” but the twins were too modest. Rumor has it, they were the ones who convinced Bill Belichick to take a chance on the last pick of the 2000 NFL draft, Tom Brady.

Even more shocking is that these Dunking twins were not only responsible for Boston’s successes, but for the world’s.

The Dunkings were the first people to ever give Adele a microphone. It was at a Karaoke night; they were singing their dad’s favorite song, “Hound Dog.” They were the ones who convinced Barack Obama to end the war in Iraq. They were quoted saying, “Enough is enough.” It is also rumored that they were the ones to sit down with Malala and convince her, “People need to hear your story.”

And now here we are. Like any triumphant story should, it has come full circle. The Dunkings are now partnering with their longtime friend Tom Brady and running an exuberant Super Bowl ad campaign for the one and only: Dunkin’ Donuts. 

This report is not sponsored by Dunkin’. 

sulli293@miamioh.edu 

HUMOR // You’ve heard of them. You’ve dreamt of them. And now you’ve seen them in a Super Bowl commercial. I give you the origin of the Dunkings.


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