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HUMOR

Miami’s majors are inaccurately named, I decided to fix that

Have you ever wondered what other majors do?

Maybe you’re an undecided first-year, or a senior who seriously lacks social skills, or somewhere in between. 

Then you’re in luck, because this is the ultimate guide to Miami’s majors. Not to be too egotistical, but I thought I could do a better job naming some of these bad boys. Below are some of the university's most recognizable majors that I have graciously renamed to better reflect the experiences, thought processes, and hard truths that accompany these majors. Enjoy.

Chemistry, biology, and pre-med co-majors -> ‘What was I thinking?’ major

The road to being a doctor and surgeon is a long and arduous one. You’ll hear incoming first-year girls bragging about being a “woman in STEM” and the guys talking about how Saturdays will still always be “for the boys.” 

After weeks of all-nighters, attending SI sessions, and way too many cans of Celsius, many of these majors now ask themselves, “What was I thinking?”

Kinesiology -> GAINZ major 

Kinesiology majors are rarely seen outside the Rec. They’re known for idolizing Sam Sulek, consuming their body weight in protein and knowing all 206 bones in the human body. If you ask a kinesiology major why they’re in the gym, there’s a 93% chance that their response will be “to get gainz.”

Architecture -> Up until 4 a.m. drawing straight lines major 

Have you ever wished that your homework was like your preschool worksheets? Remember when all you had to do was color inside the lines? Well, architecture majors get to make those lines. And for some reason they pull multiple all-nighters doing so.

Psychology, sociology and philosophy -> ‘I’ve got to get another degree’ major

You may be thinking, “These sound like fun majors!” Well, they are … until you realize that a B.A. in any of these doesn’t really help you get a job.

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Every psychology major knows you can’t read minds until you get a doctorate. Sociology majors don’t actually exist until they go to graduate school, and philosophy majors are destined to attempt to be influencers if they don’t go to graduate school. If you aren’t prepared to spend thousands of dollars on grad school or work in a Taco Bell drive through, it’s time to get another degree.

Political science -> ‘I’m a College Democrat or Republican’ major

If you want to be stuck in an endless conversation with a political science major, just ask them about Second Amendment rights or Jan. 6. Destined to be a lawyer or politician, these individuals will tell you to go vote … unless you wouldn’t be voting for their party. If that were the case, they would rather you sleep through voting day. 

Computer science -> ‘I haven’t showered in a week’ major 

If you haven’t seen a computer science major yet, that’s no surprise. Unless you’re their roommate, you probably won’t. They're likely far too busy building the “perfect” gaming PC and moderating seven different Discord servers. As such, personal hygiene can be a secondary concern, but they don’t care so long as they win their Rainbow Six Siege match. 

Sports Leadership and Management (SLAM) -> ‘I peaked in high school’ major  

For those of you who don’t know anything about SLAM majors, just think about the guy who told everyone he was going to play D1, then twisted his ankle the fourth practice of the year and blames that for not getting offered a full ride to Ohio State. SLAM majors can also be found creating top 200 player lists for their 27 fantasy drafts, and gambling on sports games while shouting, “My grandma could have run through that hole!”

If you’re wondering why your SLAM major roommate is staying up so late playing Madden, it’s because that’s their final exam. 

Business undecided, accounting, finance and strategic communications -> Brick Street major

We all have that friend who lives at Brick Street Wednesday through Sunday. And if you don’t have that friend, then you are that friend. These individuals typically are paying for college with daddy’s money, they’re in a Fraternity or Sorority, and placed a $300 bet on the SuperBowl. 

I applaud them for single-handedly keeping the MUPD busy at 3:45 a.m. and for upping Bagel & Deli’s profit margins annually since 2014. However, considering they “forgot” to turn in that first assignment of the semester and have forgotten that “trash cans” are anything other than a drink, let's face the truth — they’re just Brick Street majors. 

The self-explanatory majors

Now that I’ve covered those, here are a few final majors that I’ve renamed, and which require no explanation to understand. 

Environmental science -> Save the turtles! major

Creative writing majors -> “ChatGPT stole my job” major

Engineering -> “Girls only want me for my money” major

Nursing -> Ex-homecoming queen major 

patteemj@miamioh.edu


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