Summer Headline Dump

Student whose dad gave them a J.P. Morgan internship gets return offer after reports of ‘not doing anything all summer’

Parents hire $4,000 sorority consultants to help daughters dress and impress during rush (That’s a real WSJ article headline!)

Nine more vape shops have popped up in Oxford since last May, each with minor differences

Sorority girl who spent all summer vacationing in Europe confused about term new to her: responsibility

POLL: Least amount of students expected to read their syllabi since fall 2021

ADVICE: First-years should bring their entire wardrobe to campus; plenty of room for everything

Greek orgs cancel welcome weekend parties due to ‘Barbenheimer Wars’

BREAKING: Record number of first-year students who are ‘technically sophomores’ join Class of 2027

Scientists warn that useless first-day ‘icebreakers’ may be linked to increased polar bear deaths, climate change

Stunned first-years discover that Western campus is on the eastern side of Miami University

TIP: Late to class? Sneak into Miami University’s geothermal energy tunnels for a shortcut

Midwestern Fake ID sales up 584% ahead of college move in dates; Oxford liquor store owners encouraged by ‘industry growth’

Survey says 84% of incoming ‘upper-middle class’ students first-years still believe in the Laundry Fairy

Theater department cancels fall classes amid SAG strike

With lack of sporting events, Swoop spotted working at Bagel and Deli over summer

GrubHub robot goes rogue, resulting in seven broken toes and one ruined Panera sandwich