Here’s how Miami’s first-years spent their summer

This summer, The Miami Student conducted a very official survey to see what Miami’s incoming first-years were doing for summer jobs. Based on the responses provided that detailed the experiences of many incoming Miami students, I took a quick glance at the data and summarized the results below.

Fast food

While all students had tales from behind the fryers at their respective fast food locations, a couple patterns appeared. Apparently, it became a trend among 50-year-old ladies to go to their local Arby’s (the place that “has the meats”) and ask for a vegetarian wrap. Additionally, every Burger King store takes a break right at 4:20 pm every day and shouts “For Canada” on their way out to the parking lot. We cannot understand why.

Camp counselor

The only reviews giving this position high ratings were those from horse enthusiasts and … nope, just horse enthusiasts. Reviews frequently included mentions of food even worse than day-old chicken tenders originating from Maple Dining Hall. Usually, there were mentions of some sort of pool or lake activity; however, the rashes that accompanied it didn’t seem to be worth the tradeoff for many individuals. Our resident humor editor, who was a counselor this summer, declined to comment.

Lifeguard

Aside from the few who had to put up with 13-year-olds pulling a “Squints” from The Sandlot hoping to put the “canoodle” in CPR, the job received pretty good ratings. However, it was not recommended by individuals who were self-reported “as pasty as a ghost.” That is, of course, excluding the three that spent their whole paycheck on SPF 2000.

Convenience-store cashier

This was reported to be a safe job by everyone not located in downtown Detroit. Many students reported rewatching “Euphoria” multiple times throughout their days of informing people where the coffee and restrooms were located. The main downside of the position was the 1.3% success rate of acquiring (accurate) Snapchat information and phone numbers from promising consumers.

Landscaping

Most incoming first-years who chose this job coincidentally ended their football careers just a bit early due to “injuries.” Reviews showed that it was definitely a weather-dependent job, and those in Arizona reported suffering from weekly heat strokes. The main trade-off was that severe farmer's tans were reported in 96.2% of cases.

Restaurant busser

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Many individuals who chose this summer job reported looking for a gateway drug — I mean job — into the kitchen industry. Unfortunately for bussers, while their job may be easier than the poor souls who have to clean up Brick Street after a Friday night, they reported low levels of social adeptness and monetary capital.

All official data can be found at: www.thisisfake/studies/notareallink

patteemj@miamioh.edu