House to debate debt ceiling bill as GOP confronts last-minute holdouts
Yes, you read that right. Our House of Representatives currently is spending time debating the debt ceiling instead of debating issues that actually matter. Republicans want the ceiling to be painted pink and the Democrats want it to be painted brown.
Prominent GOP leader Mitch McConnell thinks the ceiling needs to be pink because it's his favorite color.
“I am a huge fan of Princess Peach and all she stands for,” McConnell said. “The least the GOP can do for her is paint the ceiling pink in her honor.”
Chuck Schumer, Democratic Senate Majority Leader, says the ceiling needs to be brown because they can’t get shit done in Congress.
“The color of the ceiling needs to reflect the progress we are making in the House and Senate,” Schumer said. “If we were getting things done then the color could be a happy color like orange or yellow.”
Woman lets intrusive thoughts win; bravely does what everyone wishes they could
Authorities arrested a 19-year-old woman after attacking and injuring three TSA agents Wednesday morning. Reports claim they have no idea what provoked this woman’s attack, but allow us to paint you a picture.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to make it to the airport by 4 a.m. for your flight two hours later. Through your thick hangover, you get an Uber ride to the airport only to be shepherded into a security line snaking its way a mile from your gate. All the while, you are being yelled at to, “Take your shoes off! Get out your electronics! If you have a jacket, take it off!” There’s always the dreaded, “Oh, this is your favorite bottle of shampoo? Too bad, it’s one milliliter over the legal travel limit. Throw it in the trash!”
This poor, hungover-stricken woman had enough. With her head throbbing and holding in the vilest puke known to man, she finally snapped. At 5:55 a.m., she charged the TSA agents, sending three of them to the hospital.
To all 10 people reading this article, do not pretend you’ve never fantasized about giving the TSA a piece of your mind. This woman just gave them a piece of her fists. The most incredulous aspect of this article is that the woman was awake enough to take down three agents before 6 a.m. This really increases the confidence the American people should have in the TSA to defend us against terrorists. Sure, it takes more than three agents to take down a 19-year-old, but a terrorist shouldn’t take more than five agents. Right?
Hammond mayor celebrates 420 Day with on-air smoke, good news for other local pot users
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Tragedy struck the town of Hammond, Indiana, when the mayor lit a blunt and died on camera.
Luke Blaze, 42 years old and zero months, was found deceased after livestreaming himself smoking marijuana to celebrate the popular internet holiday. Blaze is the 1,455,353th marijuana casualty in the United States since the beginning of 2023.
“We are extremely disappointed at the passing of Mayor Blaze,” Hammond City Council member Allison Jenkins said.
Blaze’s death serves as a solemn warning of the dangers of marijuana. Millions of Americans each year succumb to the dangerous drug, despite the incredibly effective and useful efforts of DARE.
Now, agencies that help warn kids about the dangers of marijuana are under attack. Just last week, Hugh J. Blount, mayor of Stonesville, Colorado, threatened to close schools due to their involvement in DARE. Social media also continues to perpetuate lies.
Please, ensure that your kids aren’t being fed marijuana-related lies on TikTok. It is time we take the use of illicit drugs into our own hands.
Miami students skip classes to search for $25K rocks
This past week after loud sonic booms filled the air, a flaming meteor landed in Maine. A local museum, desperate to get its hands on this fantastically exceptional flaming fireball, has taken to bribing individuals $25K for pieces of the rock.
This has inspired thousands of Miami University students to skip classes to try their hand at rock hunting. After coming up empty handed, some Miami students have already returned from Maine because they only found “normal rocks.”
Sorority sister Samantha Smith stated that she just wanted to find one of the rocks to get some apple juice money for her trips to Brick Street.
In response to the mass exodus of students, the Geology Department declared that the next week of classes will be open to all and will focus on how to identify space rocks. In response to this, Geology teachers are preparing for a 250% increase in class attendance.
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Miami University Faculty Alliance remembers professor, negotiator
By Anna Reier | November 19, 2024Phill Alexander, a Miami University professor, co-director of varsity esports and former bargaining council chair died early Monday morning, according to a post from the Faculty Alliance of Miami (FAM).
