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Common purchases from Miami University notables revealed

As many of you probably know, Tuesday was tax day, the most wonderful day of the year. 

This is the day where you get to charitably offer up, out of the kindness of your heart, your hard-earned money to good ol’ Uncle Sam. Of course, should you fail to do this, or even mess up the second grade level math on your forms, you can expect a visit from the IRS (which stands for Internal Revenue Service and NOT Interesting and Respectable Statesmen). 

For some people, Uncle Sam actually gives them some money back. This is called a tax return. Below is the totally error-free, guaranteed, fact checked, President Greg Crawford-approved list of most common purchases by groups of people at Miami University with their tax returns. 

Finance Majors 

Historically this group has been the most responsible among Miami students in handling their returns. About 20% of finance majors invested their money in the stock market, 50% used their returns to pay off student debt and the other 30% claimed it “mysteriously disappeared” after their last trip Uptown. 

Sorority Girls

While some sorority girls will end up spending their tax returns at Brick Street Bar, most of them will look into the depths of their closets, overflowing drawers and 40 pairs of shoes before deciding they need more. Obviously, Lululemon serves as the most popular choice, but Uggs, Converse and Lilly Pulitzer are also common purchases. 

Frat Boys

Due to The Miami Student’s standards, this section had to be cut, but I’m sure you can hazard some pretty good guesses. I mean, come on, why else do you think Red Ox was sold out the other night?

Gym Bros

Having perhaps the least amount of variety among this group, nearly all gym bros purchased protein powder. More than 90% purchased either creatine or “pre,” and while none openly admitted to purchasing steroids, a few seemed to be enraged by the question. Our reporter was met with cries of “Bro, why would you even ask that? I’m natty!” and was denied requested blood tests. 

Club Sports Athletes

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Unsurprisingly, signs and bumper stickers claiming “I’m a D1 Athlete” were the most common purchase. Other purchases included new cleats, a Gatorade flavor of the month membership and Nike clothing. But despite the Nike apparel and participating in club sports, they were all seen gasping for breath after walking up the stairs to Upham Hall. 

TMS Humor Writers

Still completely devoid of significant others, TMS humor writers purchased Tinder, Bumble and Hinge premium memberships, in hopes of finally finding someone who thinks we’re funny … I mean, finding a match. 

Pre-Med Students

As we all know, pre-med students can have it rough, so tax returns can be a real positive. That being said, antidepressants, adderall and MCAT study books were the most common purchase among this group. 

Will Weisman

While the records for Will’s personal purchases remain uncertain, our team of experts are fairly certain of his business purchases. Number one on the list was a new power washer for Brick. Quite simply, the old one just isn’t enough anymore. The amount of beer, sweat and other bodily fluids just got too much for Betsy the Super-Duper Soaker to handle. So Will purchased the new FlashFlooder-8000 to lighten the load on old Betsy.  

President Crawford 

For perhaps the most anticipated tax return reveal, President Greg Crawford first purchased a shiny new bell for his bike. Second, he bought new leashes for Newton and Ivy.  For his third and final purchase, he spent $843 on hair restoration products.

patteemj@miamioh.edu


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