So, you are expecting to be alone and miserable for another Valentine’s Day?
In order to help all the sad, pathetic students who will be single this year, I dusted off an old alter ego of mine: The Luv Doctor. You’re welcome.
As a man who has never been in a relationship (except of course a week long fling in sixth grade. I still love you, Kaitlyn.), The Luv Doctor is an expert on burying the pain of being alone.
It would be rude of me to assume anyone’s situation and what they are going through during this cold, wet season. So, I will simply tell you what The Luv Doctor will be doing, and encourage anyone to join me on this path because misery loves company.
The first thing The Luv Doctor will be doing is calling every restaurant in Oxford and, under fake names, will be asking for reservations in order to book every table. He could use your help. The first targets must be Paesano’s, Sorriso and Gaslight.
But don’t stop there.
If everyone joins forces, we can even fill the Hamilton Restaurants. If all these restaurants are filled with fake reservations they will be forced to turn away all of these sickening, happy couples. You must act fast because surely they are filling up already. Not on our watch.
For the next step, The Luv Doctor recommends deleting all social media now. This is more for you than for disrupting happy couples. Once all those posts come flying in about all of your friends being “in love,” you are going to want to jump off the top of the Bell Tower.
What’s even worse are the Instagram ads for Valentine’s Day cards and candy because they assume that not even you would be so lame as to spend Valentine’s Day without a Valentine. They are wrong.
After you delete your social media apps, The Luv Doctor plans on going directly to his sports betting apps and putting his semester’s tuition on a nine-leg parlay that is definitely going to hit. If you do not have any sports betting apps, get them. You will definitely make money. If you aren’t making money, don’t worry. Almost every person that stops gambling quits right before they make a big hit and win their money back. The pain of losing money and the rush of dopamine after winning a third of that money back is just enough to dull the pain of being alone on Valentine’s Day.
Okay, now you have made it to the evening of Valentine’s Day; the pinnacle of loneliness. Go hit up Brick Street. You will spot the Luv Doctor at the bar taking a shot for every couple he sees making out on the dance floor.
After downing two T-Cans, you should call your ex. If they don’t pick up, just call six more times. If they still don’t pick up, then leave a voicemail about how you still love them. And really lay it on thick. Let it out. Finally, finish the night with another T-Can, and peacefully go to bed.
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Get a good night of rest because you only have 364 days to find someone to make sure you are not alone for yet another Valentine’s Day night.
Luv Doctor out.
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