If you did not already know, our founding fathers had a time machine they used to help win the American Revolution. In the testing stages, they sent Thomas Jefferson back to the future to learn about the outcome of the war. Unfortunately, he landed in present day Oxford, Ohio.
Recently, Professor Stephen Norris of Miami’s history department uncovered his account of his visit to Oxford. Deep within the walls of Upham Hall, Norris discovered this letter…
Dearest Colonial Brethren,
I have stumbled upon quite possibly the strangest place I have encountered. This place, known as Oxford, houses an array of students at a university. Miami University, as it is called, claims to provide an education equivalent to that of prestigious institutions such as Princeton or Yale. Preposterous.
The time machine needs a day to recharge so I am going to take in the sights of this foreign place.
I must admit that our time traveling adventure left me with quite the appetite so I set out to find something to satisfy my hunger. After wandering around the campus getting some unfriendly stares from students wearing “Lululemon” and drinking “Buck’s Star,” I found a hall of dining.
This “Maplestreet” was by no means a feast. The lines to simply get a slice of bread were longer than my voyage to France! I finally settled with a triangular shaped food called pizza. However, a lock of hair was cooked into the center. Clearly this food was meant for prisoners, vagabonds, and redcoats. Disgusting.
Next I visited a man with a shiny bald head who claimed to be the president of the university. He enthusiastically asked me, “How are classes?” to which I responded by explaining my current dilemma. Clearly enamored by the bicyclist riding across the street, he moved onto the next person and asked about their classes.
Alas, whilst I am here I should discover something of importance that could help the war effort.
I asked a blue-haired woman where I could find something dangerous and she directed me to the center for student recreation.
Visiting “the rec” proved to be exactly what I needed. Men the size of tiny houses were lifting stones that must have weighed as much as my horse! I inquired as to how one can gain such strength.
One of the beastly men pointed out a container of powdered substance known as “pre.” He then proceeded to place his left nostril on the jar, and breathed it in. I then did as he did and felt a strange tingling sensation through my body. He gave me a sample to give to our esteemed General Washington. This could be the key to beating those damned redcoats.
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Another beastly man told me that the key to lifting heavy stones is being depressed. Very intriguing tactic if I must say.
As my time in Oxford neared an end, I decided to find the nearest tavern to consume an ale. I stumbled upon an establishment called Brick Street and got denied the first time because I did not present a university identification to the people guarding the door. Even though I am clearly the eldest person here, I was commanded to “try the front door.”
After a period of time, I was let into the tavern and began to consume ale. I do not recall most of the events that occurred due to the amount of ale and “canned trash” I consumed. However, I do remember hearing a tune talking about the “Pursuit of Happiness.” The only Pursuit of Happiness I know is Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness which I will incorporate into the Declaration I have been writing.
I look forward to returning back to my Virginia estate and using “pre” to load into my musket.
Regards,
Thomas Jefferson
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