Headline Dump 10-16

Aramark Somehow Manages To Make Dining Halls Food Taste Worse Than Last Year

Sundial Turtles Missing After Students Find That Rubbing Them Gets You Crazy High

Hookup Culture On the Rise Due to Miami Declaring Tinder As Its Official Dating App

Man Auditions To Be MU F&D Model as Fantasy Football Punishment, Becomes Their Hot New Bombshell

Miami Student-Athletes Are Actually Undercover E-Scooter Salespeople

COVID Response Team Attempts to Seize Power Again, Declares Butler Country COVID Risk as medium

Opinion: Being Depressed is a Personality Trait

Grainy Barstool RedHawks Video Shows Greg Crawford Lookalike Hitting a Bong Behind a Frat House

Withrow Starbucks Opens, Immediately Gets Shut Down Due to Allegations of the CoffeeGate Scandal

New Study Finds that People Who “Go Jim” See More Gainz Than People Who “Go to the Gym”

Delusional Oxford Man Tries to Steal the Seal, Claiming He Did It “By Order of the Peaky Blinders”

Kofenya and Withrow Starbucks Employees Host Lightsaber Duel to Decide Which Coffee Place Is A Better Hookup Spot

Miami Merger Divorce Rates Skyrocket After Videos of Dads at Dad’s Weekend Get Leaked

Guy Who Dumps Girlfriend Out of the Blue Says, “I’m Just Getting Ready For Mom’s Weekend”

Oxford Law Firm Now Hiring More Lawyers Due to Increase in Underage Drinking Cases

Student Who Never Goes to Class Outraged at His Midterm Grades

Riot Starts at Goggin after Red Savage Winks at Unidentified Fan

Dozens of Witnesses Reports That The of Ghost Helen Peabody Has Been Throwing Pumpkins at Students Around Campus