My unsuccessful attempts at finding the answer to “What Do Girls Look for In a Guy?” last semester took a toll on me. To cope with the sadness of failure, I found myself in the place where all men cope with failure or rejection, the gym (or jim if you prefer). I managed to store my feelings in my muscles, finding beauty and purpose chasing, “the pump.”
Spending copious amounts of time pumping iron brought me to the realization that with consistency, results come. So, I decided not to give up and resume my quest to find out the answer to one of life’s most burning questions.
I first set out to my local commercial gym since countless men nowadays are seeking a gym shawty to pump iron, eat Chipotle and cuddle with.
After feeling like I got a good pump going, I went up to the nearest girl in my sight. Unfortunately, I mistaked a dude with long hair as an incredibly buff woman.
He gave me the bird and rightfully so.
I then went over to the glute machine where I’d be sure to find a woman to talk to. Lo and Behold I spotted a beautiful girl sporting a matching, light blue GymShark Outfit and Beats Headphones. I asked her name and she said “Oh! I love these videos. I’m listening to WAP by Cardi B.”
As I stood awestruck to the events that just unfolded, a dude who looks like he can bench press one of those houses you see on “Tiny House Nation” came charging at me.
I started sprinting my scrawny-self out of the gym before he got too close. As the door to gym closed I could hear him bellowing, “rUn aWaY sKiNnY bItCh! WhO ToOk mY tReN?!”
Another day, another failure…
However, I did not come this far to quit. My cousin recently met her boyfriend on LinkedIn so I figured I should give that a shot, leading me to set up a job interview at the bank near my house. Not knowing what to wear, I did what any sensible person would do: posted my dilemma on YikYak.
Let me just say, the YikYak community provided too many amazing ideas to count. Some of the best ideas include: “a hot pink Free Snooki tank top,” “an ‘I ♡Livvy Dunne’ shirt,” “booty shorts,” and my personal favorite, “nothing.” Ultimately I settled on the classiest suggestion, “a three-piece suit.”
Finding a three-piece suit in my town proved to be extremely difficult so I ended up with a rental outfit giving off serious Mr. Peanut (Planters) vibes. Believe it or not, the rental even included the monocle and the cane so of course I was going to rock that shit.
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The interview said “Business Casual” however you got to look good to play good, so I felt like the three piece suit would do the trick. When I walked into the interview, I could tell the suit did the trick. My female interviewer gawked at me like the tricycle kid from “The Incredibles.”
She then proceeded to thank me for coming in and called security to escort me out. I must have made a really good impression or she had a peanut allergy.
As the days of summer began to wind down, my chances were becoming more and more scarce. My task was feeling hopeless. I tried all the places I could, Bath and Body Works, Starbucks (again) and even my local decrepit strip mall.
The one place I didn’t think of until the outrageous amount of Instagram posts, was a country concert. Thousands of girls sporting short jeans, boots and a cowboy hat flock to these concerts so they can post about it on Instagram. I figured if they can fake being a country person, so can I.
So I, being the HUGE country boy I am, grabbed the only plaid shirt I have and marched myself down to the nearest country concert. My first attempt at talking to a girl ended poorly. She claimed she only dates guys who are over six feet despite the fact that she wouldn’t be tall enough to ride a kiddie roller coaster at Cedar Point.
My next attempt turned out to be slightly better. I managed to ask the girl where she is from! Huge accomplishment for me. Even though she originates from Chicago, she supposedly only dates country boys. Doesn’t really make sense to me but everyone has their type I suppose.
As the concert came to an end, I decided to reflect on my stats for the night. Damn She’s Attractive: 42, Girls talked to: 3 and Digits Acquired: 0. At least that’s progress!
While I did not get the results I wanted from this summer, I did figure out a few things. First, don't talk to gym girls because they probably have a boyfriend who consumes enough caffeine to kill a small elephant. Second, wearing a three piece suit leaves a great first impression. Third, many attractive girls congregate at country concerts so definitely attend one.
Keep Persisting Fellas.
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