Dear Incoming Freshman Class,
Being the generous humor editors we are, we have decided to compile a list of Do’s and Don’ts for you youngins. We definitely could have used some of these do’s and don’ts during our freshman year.
Do: Bring an Ax to Move In
There are a limited number of carts available for moving in so using an ax to fend people off will help you snag one right away. When the crazy mom tries to grab the cart away from you, flash that ax her way and she’ll keep her distance. An ax comes in handy when you lock yourself out of your room as well.
Don’t: Wear Shower Shoes
The bathrooms in your residence halls are incredibly clean. Wearing shower shoes brings in germs that definitely weren’t there in the first place. Even if there are germs in the bathroom it would build immunity to pink eye when it ravages campus during the Second Semester. It’s not like people are puking on the shower floor every night after a night out. Don’t be the person who wears shower shoes.
Do: Go to the Oxford Chipotle At the Dinner Rush
What is more fun than waiting in line for 30 minutes for dinner only to be told they are out of everything. You will definitely get everything you want and they will have you out of there in no time!
Do: Wear White Shoes to Brick Street
The sweat and booze-caked floors of Brick work wonders on white shoes. The so-called “Brick Juice '' turns those white air force ones into a brown color that can be found nowhere else in the world. A pattern unique to you appears on the shoes each time you go. If you want more color on your shoes, hit the dance floor! If you like the current shade of brown, go smoke some cigs outside! Once you are tired of your design you can throw them in the wash and start the whole process over again!
Don’t: Rub the Turtles on the Sundial
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I know you were told on your tour that if you rub the turtles it would give you luck on your exam. However, people urinate on them late at night. So I would stay away.
Don’t: Buy Textbooks or Notebooks
Unless you like murdering trees don’t buy any books. I didn’t take notes at all last semester and it turned out fine. All of the info you need is on Chegg anyways.
Do: Be the Roommate Who Comes Home Late
If you do not get along with your roommate, coming home late at night will help annoy your roommate enough to move out or earn you another roommate.
Don’t: Take it Easy on the Charra Margs
Fiesta Charra makes some of the best margaritas you will ever have, however they are incredibly watered down. Pounding a pitcher of a strawberry margarita will not get you the buzz you are looking for. I’d recommend adding a few tequila shots or ordering two margaritas to get your night going.
Do: Press the Emergency Call Buttons Around Campus
There is nothing the Oxford Police love more than random tests on the emergency call buttons. Plus, if you are fast enough to press every button on campus before the police catch up to you, you win a prize. Good luck!
Don’t: Refer to The Woods Bar as New Bar
Trust me, nobody calls ‘The Woods,’ ‘New Bar’ anymore. That is such an outdated name and all the upperclassmen started calling it ‘The Woods’ again. Calling it ‘New Bar’ is a sure way to stick out as a freshman. I would also advise you to order a ‘Garbage Can’ there, as it is a refreshing drink served at every bar in Uptown.
Do: Start Writing for The Miami Student
TMS is a great community, provides valuable experience and I need humor writers!
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