Headline Dump

Miami Sets Aside $10,000 to Combat the Smell of Perfume and Starbucks Wreaking Havoc on the Shriver Center

Student Suffers Hearing Damage After Pulley’s Employee Yells Their Name Too Loud

New Study Finds That Wearing A Sorority Sweatsuit Raises Your Coolness By 10%

Oxford P.D. Reports That There has Been a Rise in Arrests of People Who Claim Their Name to be Vengeance

Oxford Chipotle Runs Out of Everything, Still Stays Open For Some Reason

Opinion: Being Asked to a Date Party Doesn’t Make You Cool

Advice: Resisting the Urge to Photobomb Grad Pictures at Upham Hall and the Seal

Gym Bros Attack the Rec After Snorting Too Much Pre Workout

Hate and Dishonor Readership Declines After Student Body Discovers They Hang Out in the Computer Science Building Basement

Opinion: Nobody Cares That You are Painting A Cooler for a Frat Formal

Women Who Wear Cowsuits Are Found to be More Aggressive

Blue Knockout From Skippers Does In Fact Knock You Out, Says Miami Freshman

Wealthy Miami Student Gets Maserati Impounded, Buys Another One Because That’s Easier Than Getting the First One Back

Toilet Paper, Carbon Monoxide Detectors, The Rec and Other Things Miami Refuses to Spend Money On

Slippery When Wet Signs Double As Weapons To Hit Your Friends With

Breaking: Sidewalks on Miami’s Campus Are Actually Roads

Snag Driver Gets Decked by Semi Truck, No One Sad Except Person Who Ordered the Vape