Headline Dump

UPDATE: Miami University Eradicates COVID-19 everywhere except the classroom

Dear Abby: I Just Saw a Girl I Made Out With at Brick Street in Kofenya Today, What Do I Do?

College Republicans and College Democrats Host First Ever Political Cage Match to the Death

Opinion: Honors Students are Overrated

Question: What Makes Kofenya the Ultimate Hookup Spot?

LinkedIn Overtakes Tinder as Top Dating App

Man Assures Woman Before Sex, I’m a “Great-Smelling Man”

Leprosy Outbreak on Western Mistaken for Pink Eye

Man Uses Emotional Support Fish to Make Sushi

Opinion: Unicorns are Real, I Saw One on My Last Acid Trip

Queen Elizabeth II Joins Tinder, Stock Jumps 12%

Innocent Freshman Tries Snorting Coca-Cola During Fraternity Hazing

Men Named Teddy More Likely to be Ghosted After Random Brick Makeouts Than Guys With J-names

Man Becomes Humor Editor to Get Chicks, Surprised When it Doesn’t Work Out

Kim Kardashian Was in My Dream Last Night, It Was Awful

Man Tells Woman Her “Face is Filling Out Nicely” and is Confused When She Cries

Opinion: Women Who Ride Unicycles are More Fun